


Hodnes laik uf (Love is strength)

by valissa_lexaoel



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Femslash, POV Lexa, Slow Burn Clarke Griffin/Lexa
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-05-21 22:11:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 25,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6059922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valissa_lexaoel/pseuds/valissa_lexaoel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU from Lexa's POV taking place after S2 ending with Lexa leaving Clarke at the mountain. What happens when after 3 months, Lexa finds Clarke beaten by Azgeda warriors and must nurse her back to health. Slow burn Clexa as they both come to terms with who they have become and who they could be; if only they were willing to forgive themselves, and each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Em ste streek au (She walks)

**Author's Note:**

> A million thank you's to my beta reader hotladykisses for helping make this story, and my writing better! 
> 
> Posts will be made every Friday. 
> 
> If you like it, please rate and review, I look forward to reading your thoughts!

Lexa walked away. Not with a conscious purpose, but merely because her legs were carrying her away. Her steps were purposeful, her head held high as the warriors silently moved with her. No one dared speak at this moment. 

They were leaving with each and everyone of their people that had been trapped inside the mountain, yet there was a heaviness in the air. A weariness in their limbs as they trudged away, the conflict in their hearts growing with each step. 

Lexa’s mind was numb as they continued on. It was as if her mind went on autopilot the moment she turned her back on Clarke. She had been forced once again to make a decision with her head, and to walk away from her heart. Several times she was certain that she would turn around, go back to Clarke and carry through their mission. Several times she was certain that her body would lead her back to the blond who possessed her so thoroughly. 

But her feet would not comply, and so she trudged on, away from blond hair and fierce blue eyes. 

She felt like she was walking blindly, following behind the steps of the army before her with no real sense of direction or purpose. Pulling every ounce of her being to maintain herself, to stay strong in front of her warriors, despite the fact that each step felt like a tiny crack forming in her heart. A very real and sudden realization hit her that if she stepped too hard, the cracks might finally shatter whatever remained of her resolve into a million pieces. 

As she kept walking, she closed her eyes, remembering a moment in her childhood when she had broken one of her mother’s cups, a rare keepsake her father had found on his journeys outside of their village. Out of fear Lexa had hidden under a table. Her mother had picked up the pieces, cooing softly to her that it was OK for her to come out. She watched as her mother put the pieces on the table and waited for her to crawl out from her hiding spot. She scooped young Lexa up in her arms and sat her on her lap.

“I can fix it nomon,”(mother) young Lexa whispered sheepishly, reaching her hand out and turning to her mother, ready to reshape the glass pieces. He mother leaned back into the chair and nodded at Lexa, whose little fingers began trying to shove the pieces back into place. Lexa picked up piece after piece and shoved them together, growing more and more frustrated as the shards slipped around and refused to stay in place. She tried to force the pieces into a round shape, but couldn’t make them obey. She let out a small growl of frustration and slammed her hand down on the glass, causing a sharp piece to jab into her palm. 

Lifting up her hand, she held her breath while she inspected it. She looked at her mother, who sat up to inspect the young girl’s hand. She held back tears at the pain starting to emanate. “Hush now,” her mother whispered softly to her as blood began to trickle down. “No tears.” She held on to her wrist and gently tugged the glass out of her palm in one swift motion. 

Lexa shrieked in pain. 

Her mother quickly wrapped a small cloth around her hand and pressed gently into the wound to stop the bleeding. Lexa inhaled a shuddered breath at the action, gritting her teeth as she tried to stop the flood of tears streaming down her face. “Lexa.” Her mother calmly spoke, holding her daughter close. “You know better, don’t?” she asked softly, wiping her face gently with her finger. “Showing pain...”

“Is showing weakness.” Lexa sniffed out through gritted teeth. 

After a moment’s pause, Lexa’s mother asked, “What did you learn?”

Lexa’s green eyes squinted back as she thought through her actions. “You mean other than I wasn’t smart enough to fix it?” she asked innocently. Her mother nodded, a small smile playing on the corner of her lips. Lexa shook her head as she gazed at the shards again. The one bloody piece that had lodged itself into her palm angrily looked back at her. “Nothing?” she finally responded. 

Her mother peered into her eyes. “This cup, like your heart, is very fragile.” She grabbed two large pieces and tried putting them together. “Once broken, it is nearly impossible to put it back together. Even if you could, it would always have the marks of the break, forever remembering its shattered past.” 

Lexa’s finger trailed softly along the crack, “I couldn’t fix it,” Lexa confirmed to her mother. “I tried to force it, but it wouldn’t obey me. The glass attacked me,” Lexa sniffled. 

Her mother smiled, placed the two pieces down and picked up the bloodied one, showing it to Lexa. “You cannot force what is broken to mend, Lexa. It will not bend to your will, no matter how hard you try.” 

Lexa pouted at her mother as she processed the words. She stared meaningfully at the shattered cup on the table, absentmindedly running her thumb against the cloth on her hand. “Once it’s broken, it can never go back?” she looked at her mother who nodded her response. Suddenly something clicked and panic seized her again. She gripped her heart and looked at its place on her chest and then at her mother’s heart. She placed her hand gently on her mother, finding solace in her heartbeat. “What if one day you break like this cup? How do I fix it?” 

“Do you remember when nontu broke her arm?” (Father) she asked patiently. Lexa nodded. 

“He couldn’t move it for weeks”, Lexa confirmed. 

“Eventually, it healed, and he was able to fight again, right?” she asked. “But he’s not quite the same, he still complains about pain radiating from it, doesn’t he?” Lexa nodded again. “This cup,” her mother dropped the piece onto the table, “can never be fixed,” she confirmed, “but a heart is not quite the same as a cup, Lexa. A broken heart might never be the same again, but with time it can mend, reshape itself into something new. Different than what it was, if you are open to it.” She wrapped Lexa up in a large hug before she continued, “sometimes, new love can even make it stronger. You just have to give it time, and believe.”   
___  
Lexa opened her eyes, shaking herself out of her memory, and took in the forest surrounding her for the first time since she had walked away. She inhaled the crisp air, breathing new life into her lungs. She did what she had to do to put her people first, fulfilling her duty as the Commander of the 12 clans. This was not the first time she had to leave her heart on the battlefield, but it felt like this time she might never be able to live with it. Would she ever be able to make peace with herself again, with Clarke?

“Give it time,” she whispered to herself, expelling the air from her lungs in one quick puff, “and believe.”


	2. Em don kamp raun hir tu sintaim kom gon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUUUGE thank you to my beta reader Hotladykisses!!

It was cold. Or at least she thought it was. She couldn’t be sure if it was the outside temperature making her shiver, or if it was the cold inside her heart, seeping out ever since she had betrayed Clarke. It made no difference either way though. She would continue to search for any signs of Clarke until there was no daylight left to guide her steps. And then, if the clouds were on her side, they would part and she would continue her trek by moonlight if necessary. 

She had lost track of the number of weeks since she had walked away from the battle at the mountain. She knew that in the span of time, TonDC was well on its way to being rebuilt, better and stronger than before. The giant crater left in the middle of the village had been filled. And just as quickly, homes began to resurface in different material, as if the debris from the missile had created moldable blocks for building new life. 

Along with the new buildings, new people began to migrate to TonDC from all over as well. News that the mountain threat had been vanquished seemed to bring new courage as more and more people heard it Indra was at her wit’s end trying to manage the influx of families moving in. It pleased Lexa to see her focused on rebuilding her village after so much death and destruction. Lexa was doing her best to assist in the planning, making suggestions for new paths and avenues, and trying to remind the generals to stay focused not just on rebuilding but on how to expand TonDC so they could continue to easily absorb the new growth. 

All this seemed to happen despite Lexa. Her real focus was not on repairing TonDC, or growing it back into the vibrant community that it had once been. Despite her mind trying to tell her to stay on task, to pay attention to the buzz of conversations around her, she could not. Like a broken compass, her internal direction was only able to point towards finding Clarke and keeping her safe. 

She had left scouts behind to report to her any news of Skaïkru’s battle against the mountain. She had somehow made it back to TonDC. Had somehow directed medical attention towards the wounded, created a plan to send warriors back home to their families. Had somehow started dealing with the repercussions of not going to war herself, of walking away from the mountain despite having the largest army anyone had ever seen. She had done all this on autopilot,. Her mind and body just knew what to do as Heda, which gave her heart time to sort itself out.

Upon hearing from her scouts that the mountain had fallen, but that Clarke had not returned with her people to her camp, she had felt a nagging in her gut, like an invisible string randomly pulled by some invisible force. 

It was constant. 

She would be dead asleep and wake up to the tug, gasping slightly at the intensity of its demand. She would be staring at the plans for new TonDC and feel a strange yearning hammering away in her mind, demanding attention. It was because of this that her attention constantly felt twisted and pulled between her duty as Heda and her heart. 

It took her less than a week to send a scout out to find Clarke , locate her whereabouts and check on her, bring back news on her state of mind. She needed to do something to stop the tugging, the yearning, the demand that her heart had on the rest of her. She felt as if she was a hostage to herself. And so she waited impatiently for news. 

The scout, however, returned empty-handed. 

The panic that filled her was extreme and intense. She had never felt anything like it. Not since Costia had disappeared could she remember such an immense dread filling every fiber of her being. It was as if her blood had been replaced by a yearning to find Clark and keep her safe, pumping constantly through her body. Every night she would be plagued by doubts about her decisions. Fear that Clark was lost to her forever nagged at her unconscious mind, filling her dreams with nightmares that stemmed from her guilt. The same question constantly replayed itself in her mind, like a broken record.

Was walking away the best thing to do for her people? For herself? 

Indra told her of the whispers of doubt about her ability as Heda. If one girl from the sky could take down the mountain without the massive army Heda commanded, was she really meant to unite the clans? Indra’s comments were not unwarranted, and Lexa found herself justifying her decisions more and more as generals from the twelve clans came together. More and more, she was allowing Indra to speak for her, to fight for her. She would sit stoic, impassive. She felt lost in a cloud, trying to hear the accusations through the dim fog of her own focus on Clarke. 

That’s when the treks started. She needed to feel like she was doing something. Doing something to find Clarke and quell the voice that was always accusing her. She would hear of a potential sighting, get some lead on where Clarke could be, and find an excuse to slip away and investigate it herself. She would race desperately to wherever Clarke might be. For days on end she felt like she was chasing a ghost. It didn't matter to her though, as long as she was getting close, that was all that mattered. 

So here she was now. Soaked, silently moving through the brush of some ungodly section of forest, searching for the smallest trace of movement or evidence that Clarke had been here. She knew it was reckless and stupid for her to leave TonDC this way. But the not knowing was worse than forgoing her duty as Commander. Just this once, she repeated herself anytime the tug of returning to her people came to her, they have to understand.

She felt this unquenchable thirst, nothing she did outside of stealing away and searching for Clarke seemed to help it. She could try to drink in her role and duties as Heda, but it did nothing except make her throat raw. Right now, roaming through the outskirts of this region was the only way to quench the thirst that seemed to follow her everywhere she went. The need to see Clarke alive, to feel the her heart made whole and drown in blue eyes was too much to ignore.

“Heda!” came a call from the other side of a row of trees. She quickly made her way over, her heartbeat picking up speed to match her footsteps. “Look, a fire was recently made here.” Kyuler, the only person she had brought with her, pointed to a small circle of debris at the base of a large tree. 

Lexa’s heart caught in her throat as she stared hard at the now empty space, she looked for any detail that might tell confirm that it was a Skaï kru fire. Amidst a pile of leaves, she saw it. Bending over to pick up the item, she stared hard at it -- it was the remains of a charcoal pencil that had been discarded. 

“I am sorry, Heda. It appears we have lost her again.” Kyuler let out a frustrated sigh, leaning against the base of the tree. 

Lexa could do nothing but smile softly at the statement, a new flicker of hope lighting itself in her chest as she snapped her head up to meet her warrior’s eyes. “Sorry? There is nothing to be sorry about .”Turning her head towards TonDC, Lexa held her head high. “This means she is still out there,” she said tucking the pencil in her pocket, before adding to herself only, “this means she is still alive.”


	3. Mounin houm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thank you as always to my Beta Reader Hotladykisses. 
> 
> And of course to you, for sharing your thoughts, for your kudos and follows. It is the motivation that keeps me writing. 
> 
> My thoughts about last night episode are at the end, skip them if you don't want to read them; share your thoughts with me on how you feel, I am always a willing ear.
> 
> XO

“You’re doing it again.” 

Lexa shook her head and blinked a few times before she recognized the meaning of the words enough to react. She looked away from the setting sun she had been lost in thought in, to find Indra standing a few feet away, her foot on a rock and her hand resting on the hilt of her sword. “Doing what?” she asked, watching Indra roll her eyes in response. 

“Thinking about her,” Indra snapped back, taking a few steps forward to stand next to her, her tone always taking a small edge of aggression whenever Clark was the topic of conversation. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” was all that Lexa could muster in response, her eyes flickering down, an admission of guilt. 

“Don’t be a branwada,” Indra chastised her, “You get this look like you’re being handed a new sword plastered all over your face when you think of her.” Indra kept her eyes trained on the setting sun, giving Lexa a feeling of privacy despite getting caught. 

Lexa didn’t respond and turned her attention back to the changing colors before them. Sharp reds contrasted with a light blue sky and green trees. Clark would have loved to paint this, she thought to herself, getting lost in the colors again. After a few moments of silence, Lexa sighed and turned her attention back to Indra. “What news do you bring?”

“Not good ones.” Indra turned away from the view and surveyed the woods behind them. “The Azgeda are not happy with where things stand. Nia believes that she should be commanding the twelve clans. There are reports of their scouts moving beyond their borders into ours, a direct violation of our treaty.” 

“They are coming,” Lexa replied. For me, she thought, leaving it unspoken. She glanced down at her sword handle. She is coming to finish the job she started with Costia, she mused to herself, letting out a sigh. “How long?” she asked before levelling her eyes to Indra.

“One month, at most, before she can demand a tribunal,” Indra responded, , “Less if she doesn't want to go through the motions of pretending it will be a fair fight.” 

Lexa nodded slowly, trying to put together a timeframe. She didn’t have long to prepare. “She will not do it herself, I will have to face whatever opponent she places before me.” 

Indra bristled slightly, her eyes going wide before responding, “You have the right to pick the same. I would gladly…”

Lexa held her hand up, stopping Indra mid-sentence. “It would do no good for me to have someone else fight this battle. I need to prove my strength as a warrior and capability as Commander.” She shook her head as she turned to walk back to the village. “This is something I must do myself.” 

Indra followed behind her, not arguing as they walked back, Lexa’s mind filled with possibilities and options. What was a bad situation was quickly turning into something worse and there was very little she could do to amend it. The only option she had was to wait. 

As they neared the protective walls of TonDC, the distant shouts of the guards could be heard warning of an approaching person. Protectively, Indra quickened her pace to walk ahead of Lexa, to be the first to deal with any potential danger. Lexa craned her neck slightly to see what it was that was getting so much attention. 

Down the center of the pit came a single lone figure, hobbling slightly under the weight of whatever it was carrying on its shoulders. Suddenly, Indra growled and took off running towards the figure. Without knowing why, Lexa took off after her, her hand on the hilt of her sword, ready to pull it out at the slightest provocation.

Upon seeing Indra running, two guards took their weapons out and prepared to come to Indra and Lexa’s aid. “No! Ste daun weron yu ste kamp!” (No! Stay where you are!) Indra ordered as they jumped down into the ravine. Lexa recognized the man coming through the path, his pace as quick as what he was carrying would allow. 

“Nyko!” she called out, running to meet him halfway. 

“Heda!” He answered, his breath coming in sharp gasps as he tried to suck in as much oxygen as his body would allow. “Ai don hon em op!” (I found her) he gasped out, adjusting the weight as he reached Lexa and Indra. 

Lexa’s wide eyes searched Nyko for understanding, “Ron ai ridiyo op.” (Speak true.) Lexa demanded, her heart beating mercilessly against her chest, full of hope and fear. Found her dead or alive? she thought in a panic. 

Instead of answering her, Nyko carefully unshouldered the body he was carrying and gently cradled it in his arms. Lexa licked her lips, her shuddered breath catching in her throat. Was it Clarke? Why wasn’t she on her own two feet? 

The figure was all dressed in black, her long blond hair covered in mud and a red pigment that Lexa could only assume was blood. Lexa gently moved some of the locks away from the face, and gasped slightly at what she saw. It was covered in blood and mud, and swelled to an extreme from bruises and cuts. 

There was no doubt in Lexa’s mind, despite the current disfigurement -- it was Clarke.

It was her Clarke. And she was still alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been a long time since I have felt some kind of human emotion stirred by something on a show. I feel like I cycled really quickly through a variety of feelings and I've landed on something in between anger and a resolute acceptance at what has happened. 
> 
> More then anything though, I'm tired. 
> 
> I'm just so tired at the feeling of being queer baited by shows, for ratings, or plot devices, or whatever reason they want to give. It's exhausting to lay so much hope into seeing something positive reflected back at you, to always be holding onto the ledge, because we know...we KNOW what's going to happen. And still, we leap along with everyone else, ready and willing to go on a fantastical journey where queer characters might not be killed off. After all, there were interviews and tweets and positive affirmations from the writers and producers and directors of the show. 
> 
> I am tired of sitting at their feet, hoping for a pat on the head and the treat of a look, or chemistry, or a nod, that might somehow confirm what I feel, or think, or want. Because I am tired of feeling different and off and unaccepted. 
> 
> It's 2016. How do we still have pivotal characters being killed off when we finally have the right to marry? 
> 
> What is worse for me, is the way her death happened. So many other options, so many different ways could have achieved the same passing of information. We deserved more, better. Not to be tugged along with promises that this time it would be different. It wasn't different, it changed nothing in queer culture, this character is another one this year to be buried for the sake of plot. 
> 
> And now, there is this question of the AI. How much of Lexa's behavior can now be excused or written off to artificial intelligence? Was she just another manipulated lesbian, controlled by some other power to find redemption only to die because she gave in to happiness? I don't think the gravity of having the AI chip implanted in her, revealed in this way, has really hit yet. It calls into question all of her actions and emotions. There is no doubt that Clarke will be protected by the next commander (even if it ends up being the Ice Queens lookalike), but is it because of Lexa's love for her, or because Allie 2 has come to recognize that Clarke's survival is paramount to the end goal of protecting life? 
> 
> I can't help but feel manipulated right along with Clarke's character, who will undoubtably question her relationship with Lexa. 
> 
> I can't help but feel tired either. 
> 
> XO


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for posting late! I have been traveling for work this week and am just finally getting firm feet back down, there was horrible turbulence each time I got on a plane; I was fairly certain I wasn't going to see the ground again! lol
> 
> Thank you as always for hotladykisses for doing an amazing job as my beta reader!! 
> 
> Your thoughts as always are welcomed, they make my day! 
> 
> XO

Lexa ordered to lay Clarke on her bed in her tent, demanding that Nyko first get his healing supplies before explaining what had happened to her. She grabbed her kettle and placed it over the fire to boil more water, and collected as many clean pieces of cloth as possible so she could begin cleaning her wounds and assessing the damage. Dipping a washcloth in warm water, Lexa wanted to begin gently removing the dirt, blood and grime from Clarke’s face. But she waited for Nyko to return, not sure where to start cleaning the young woman up.

Her hands shook slightly and her breath caught in her throat as she eyed Clarke. Her poor body looked smaller, and she couldn’t tell if all the blood on her was her own, or was mixed in with someone else’s. Lexa could tell that she hadn’t had a proper meal in days. What happened to you? she thought as she gently moved a clump of hair off Clarke’s face. Her blond locks were replaced with thick knotted clumps so covered in blood and dirt it didn’t even look like Clarke had ever been blond.

Tears stung at her eyes and guilt choked her. She began slowly wiping her cheek. A barely audible groan escaped Clarke’s lips and the sky girl furrowed her brow. She weakly lifted her arm, as if to blindly swipe at Lexa and fight her off. It was the first real indication that she was still alive, and the sound and sight tore through Lexa. 

“It’s OK,” she whispered hoarsely, “Don’t fight, Klarke.” She gently wiped her face with the warm cloth, finally seeing clean skin underneath the layers of grime. Clarke moaned again but dropped her arm down, unable to keep it up. “I won't hurt you,” Lexa whispered. A small sob escaped her as she dropped her head. It was taking all she had to keep herself held together. She inhaled roughly, trying to contain the sound of her tears. 

The sight of a battered and beaten Clarke was too much. The long nights of lying awake, ridden with guilt at abandoning Clarke at the mountain, and not knowing what was happening to her roaming alone in the woods, were finally catching up. Everything that had happened to Clarke, every scratch, cut, scrape, bruise; it all fell on Lexa’s lap. She was responsible for what the blond was burdened with, and she would do everything she could to make it right. 

“I’m sorry,” Lexa whispered. She hung her head and inhaled, trying to get herself under control. A barely audible groan came from Clarke again, and Lexa whipped her head up to see if she was awake. Hot tears fell from her eyes as she noticed a fresh-looking wound that was trickling blood and pressed down on it gently, soaking up the red liquid before pulling the rag from Clarke’s face. She stared at it in disbelief. What was once a white cloth was now soaked in blood from the small area she had attempted to clean off on Clarke’s brow. 

Nyko cleared his throat behind her. On reflex her back straightened and she swiped at the tears on her cheeks with the back of her hand, trying to not spread Clarke’s blood across her face. “Heda?” he questioned behind her, hesitating. 

“What are you waiting for?” she growled out, clearing her throat from the gruff thickness. She turned away from him as he neared the bed, and busied herself with ripping up smaller strips of fabric. 

“It will take time for her to heal properly,” he said quietly, pulling some herbs out of his bag. 

Lexa stiffened at his statement. “But she will heal?” She watched him nod out of the corner of her eye, her shoulders relaxing slightly at the confirmation. “Completely?”

Nyko sighed at the question, reclining slightly on his heels while he looked over Clarke’s body. “There will be scars,” he answered slowly, adding, “both external and internal. I will do my best to help her with the damage that I can see.” 

Lexa glanced down at her hands. They were stained red and sticky from cleaning Clarke’s blood. She went to the the bowl she had been using to dip the rag in and dipped her hands in it to wipe the blood off. She scrubbed her hands for a few moments before pulling them out of the murky water. 

Staring in disbelief, she realized that they were still bloody. 

Dipping them in a second time, she scrubbed harder, her nails scratching her skin in an effort to clean the blood off them. Growling, she dug in harder. 

“Heda!” Nyko was next to her, his big hands covering her own inside the water, trying to force Lexa to look at him. “Heda, stop.”

“I can't help you if my hands are not clean,” she replied through gritted teeth.

“Lexa,” he repeated in a softer voice, slowly lifting her hands from the water. “They are clean, Heda. There is nothing on them.” 

Lexa looked at his deep brown eyes for a moment, before glancing back at her hands. They were red and raw from her own scrubbing., but not from Clarke’s blood. “They…” she stared at them in disbelief until Nyko gently wrapped them in a cloth. “They were covered in blood.”

“I know,” he said gently, moving the water away from her and throwing it outside. Without a word, he went to the fireplace and refilled the container from the hot water that had started boiling. 

Lexa sat numbly watching his actions, glancing down at her hands to verify that they were not somehow smothered in blood again. “You have to save her.” She avoided looking at Nyko, fresh tears threatening to fall, “We need her alive.” 

Nyko turned at her demand, an understanding smile barely visible under his beard. “She is strong, Heda. She will fight as long as she has a reason to.” His eyes warm, he waited for Lexa to join him. “We need to clean the wounds so I can tell how extensive the damage is.”

Taking a deep breath, she grabbed the rags and made her way back to Clarke’s side as Nyko set the container down. She watched him scoop a cup of water out and begin adding herbs to prepare a tea. 

“What’s that for?” she asked. She dipped a strip of cloth into the hot water, needing a distraction from the image that lay before her. 

“To keep her sleeping, and fight off blood poisoning,” Nyko answered. He lifted Clarke’s shirt slightly to get a better look at a particularly bloodied area, then took the rag from the water and began to wipe at a gash on her side. “I need you to heat up a blade,” he informed through squinted eyes, trying to gauge how deep the wound was. 

“What happened?” Lexa asked softly, taking a new cloth and dipping it into the water mindlessly. She started once again gently cleaning Clarke’s face “How did this happen?”

Nyko sighed deeply and rubbed his face with his hand, keeping his eyes on Clarke’s steady breathing. Lexa dropped the cloth, stood, and grabbed her dagger, that she shoved into the fire, giving him the space to answer. “It was the Azgeda,” he finally said. 

Lexa’s head snapped up, her breath shortening and a sudden tremble of anger emanating from her body. “What did you say?” she asked in a measured breath. 

He ignored her question and continued, “I didn’t know it was her. She had taken down three before she fell herself. I recognized the white war paint and took out the last one thinking they were attacking one of our own. She was conscious when I reached her and she recognized me before I recognized her. I immediately brought her back here on horseback until the horse could not run anymore.” 

Lexa’s hands balled into fists at the image of Clarke being taken down by Azgeda warriors. “Where?” she asked in a controlled voice, her analytical side taking over. 

“Near Eden’s pass,” he responded quietly, using the cloth to clean the wound again. His actions were quick yet measured. He lifted Clarke’s shirt slightly higher to examine the bruise that stretched out from the wound he was cleaning.

“Eden’s pass?” She questioned. “What were you doing so far North?”

Nyko looked up bashfully and shrugged slightly at the question, “Abi asked me to bring something to help stave off pregnancy for her people, as a fail safe,” he continued. “There is a trading post there that benefits from Tri kru and Azgeda trading routes, it always has Stoneseed Root.”

“Abi?” she pressed, frustrated to find out this was happening behind her back. “You didn't think it was important to mention that you have been helping the Skaï kru without my permission?” 

“The blade?” was his only response as he held his hand out. He had succeeded in fully cleaning the wound and was pressing a cloth to keep it clean while he waited. With a huff, Lexa grabbed the blade from the fire and handed it to him, watching with concerned eyes as he removed the cloth and quickly pressed the red hot steel to Clarke’s side. 

Clarke’s eyes shot open at the feel of the blade and a loud groan of pain filled the room as she tried to sit up in the bed. Lexa immediately placed her hand on her shoulder in an attempt to quiet down the girl, who was trying to get her bearings, her eyes wildly shooting around the room.

“Relax, Klark,” she whispered soothingly, pushing her lightly back on the bed. “We have to clean your wounds, please don’t fight.” She glanced at Nyko who was quickly brewing something to knock Clarke out long enough to let them finish cleaning her wounds. 

Clarke’s eyes finally landed on who was talking to her and for a moment she seemed to relax and lay down, staring back at Lexa with confusion on her face. She licked her lips once and grimaced when she touched an open wound on her bottom lip. “Lexa?” she asked softly, her voice hoarse. 

“Hello, Klark” Lexa responded, unable to hide the hopefulness in her tone. 

It took Clarke a moment to understand fully what was happening. Her eyes darted around the room once more before she reared back and swung at Lexa with all her might, connecting with the brunette’s face with a sickening smack. The force of her action pulled at her bruised muscles and broken ribs, causing her to roll her eyes slightly as the intensity of the pain knocked her out briefly. 

Lexa stood shocked at the suddenness and ferocity of the attack. Her ears were slightly ringing and she was dimly aware of a trickle of blood on her lip. She didn't have time to process what had just happened before Nyko pulled her towards the door. She hesitated, not wanting to leave Clarke’s side, but knowing the longer she stayed, the angrier Clarke would be. She saw his mouth move without being able to make out the words as she allowed herself to be guided. She kept her eyes glued on Clarke’s form even when she felt Indra’s hands on her shoulders, pulling her out of the room and into the cool night.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay in posting! I had every intention of posting this yesterday, but the day completely got away from me and before I knew it, it was past midnight! 
> 
> Thank you as always to hotladykisses for being my beta and for making what comes next even better!

Lexa sat rigidly still, staring at some unidentifiable place. She hadn’t moved for hours, her hands gripping and ungripping the armrests of the chair the only real indication that she was still alive. Her mind replayed the same moment over and over again. 

The moment Clarke fully recognized her, her confusion replaced with agonizing pain and anger the likes Lexa had never seen before. At first, Lexa had tried to convince herself that it hadn’t happened, but the cut on her lip and the stinging on her cheek refused to let her live in that delusion. 

I broke her, was the only thought that repeated itself with the memory, along with the smallest whimper of realization that Clarke would never forgive her for leaving her at the mountain. 

Indra sat quietly on the other side of the table, sharpening one of her blades and keeping an eye on her Commander. She had attempted to snap her out of her stupor, but had given up when Lexa had refused to look her way. 

It wasn't until Nyko walked through the door that Lexa’s eyes finally focused, and her face relaxed slightly from its mask. She said nothing and stared at him, her hands in fists, waiting for an update. 

“She is asleep,” Nyko offered wearily, wiping his brow. He dropped a bag down on the table. “There is extensive damage, bruises, and a few broken bones. I cleaned her wounds as best as I could, but only time will tell how extensive the damage actually is” 

Indra stood and offered him a cup of water, which he took gratefully. “I sent out some scouts to the trade post you spoke of,” she offered Nyko to break the silence. They both glanced at Lexa, waiting for her to react. 

After a few moments of silence, she inhaled deeply and turned towards Nyko. “Why do you think they attacked her?”

“The Ice Queen seeks Wanheda” was his only response. He put the cup down and reached for his bag. 

Lexa renewed her grip on the chair arms at the statement, her eyes never wavering from Nyko. “How do you know this?”

Nyko pulled a parchment from the bag and handed it to Lexa, who released her hold on the chair and replaced it with a measured grip on the parchment. It was a crude drawing of Clarke, with the Azgeda seal along the top and a petty dollar amount along the bottom of it. A bounty, she thought as her finger traced the line of Clarke’s cheek. “I was expecting her to do something underhanded to gain control of the coalition. I should have known she would go after Klark.” She ran a hand through her hair, pulling it back slightly, “She will not stop until she has her,” she said resolutely, glancing up from the image at last.

Indra eyed Nyko warily. “There is more,” she finally spoke up. Lexa’s eye flicked to hers before she raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to continue. “I received reports tonight of warriors near the Skaï kru village…” 

“They are waiting for her to return,” Lexa finished, standing up and dropping the parchment on the table. “She cannot go back.” 

“She cannot stay here either,” Indra responded quickly, “If Azgeda attacks, we don’t have the warriors needed to protect the village.”

“I can take her to Polis with me,” Lexa offered. 

“She is to weak to travel for now,” Nyko countered, both sets of eyes turning to Lexa to provide a resolution.

“How long will she need to heal?” she asked, beginning to pace, her mind churning with possibilities. 

“Hard to say,” Nyko hedged slightly, “three or four weeks minimum before she can travel, longer before she can fight.”

“We have no choice then,” Lexa nodded, “I will call for reinforcements until she is well enough to travel back to her people.” Indra scowled at the solution, but said nothing. “I want more scouts sent out. They are to report back any and all movement by the Azgeda.” 

Indra nodded. “When will you leave for Polis?” she asked, bringing Lexa to a halt. 

“Leave?” Lexa echoed.. 

“To prepare for war,” Indra continued. She shifted her gaze from Lexa to Nyko, silently asking him to help her make Lexa understand. 

Lexa furrowed her brow. She didn’t want to leave. She had finally found Clarke and had her returned safely, and she had to leave in order to deal with the growing Azgeda problem. Curse the Azgeda, she thought bitterly, I will destroy them. 

“I shall leave once I am sure of Clarke’s recovery.” She sighed quietly, frustrated at the turn of events.

Indra stepped forward to argue, “Commander, your place is in Polis. We can watch after Wanheda for you.” 

Lexa put her hand up to stop her before she could continue. “If Azgeda is going to march an army to Polis, it will be through Tri kru land. If they insist on breaking the alliance and sending us into another war, I need to stay here and work with Skaï kru to see what kind of weapons they have at their disposal to aid in getting a quick victory.” Lexa pressed ahead, sensing Indra about to object again, “I also need to make sure that the mountain does not fall into her hands. Just like I need to keep Wanheda alive and restored to health in order to make sure that the Skaï kru appear as powerful as I believe they are, and she does not get a hold of her.” She paused and sighed deeply. “It is the only way to keep all of us safe.” 

“You cannot just sit here and wait for Wanheda to heal,” Indra interrupted, “your loyalties should be with your people, not Skaï kru.”

“Do not,” Lexa growled out menacingly, “ever accuse me of misplacing my loyalty.” She fumed at the implication. Memories of walking away from Clarke in her moment of need filled her mind each time she closed her eyes, and now they would be replaced by the bloody mess that was Clarke’s battered body. “For generations,” Lexa continued in a calmer tone, “that mountain has held our people at bay with its weapons. I want to harness them against the Azgeda. In order to do that, I need Skaï kru to continue to believe that aligning with me is their best and only option.”

Indra nodded weakly knowing better than to argue, and averted her eyes. “Of course, Heda. I will send scouts out immediately. I did not mean to question you.”

Lexa nodded, brushing her off slightly. “I will need to set up a meeting with Abi and Markus before the week ends. They will want to know their Skaiprisa is safe.” Glancing at the door, she turned to Nyko. “Who is watching over her?” she asked, the edge of concern in her tone. 

“Argeri is with her now, cleaning the remainder of her wounds. She is unconscious, and will be for some time.” he grimaced slightly. “I needed to sedate her after you left the room, she would not calm down enough for me to assess her.” 

Lexa turned slowly, watching a blush spread across his face. “How bad is it?” she asked through knitted brows. 

“She needs time to rest,” he continued, “time to heal. She has a broken rib, some deep cuts and extensive bruising that will make movement difficult, but I believe in time she will recover. For now it would be best to keep her sedated so she does not hurt herself,” he softly added, “or you.” 

“You have all of my resources at your disposal,” was all Lexa could get out, her heart wounded at the knowledge that Clarke did not want to have anything to do with her.

“Give her a day or two, Heda,” he responded softly, “she has been through a lot and her body and mind need time to realize that she is safe now.”

She stared impassively at both Nyko and Indra for a moment before accepting she had to wait. “Fine.” she angrily conceded, “I expect an update the moment anything changes.” Then she turned on her heel, stormed out of the room and headed out into the woods to clear her head.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies! These past few weeks have been absolute train wrecks for my time and energy, but I am hoping that things will pick up moving forward!
> 
> Please continue to share your thoughts, feelings, likes, stories, anything with me! I enjoy hearing from you and each little email notification is an addictive little boost to my day! 
> 
> A million thank you's to Hotladykisses for being the best Beta reader, and for pushing this story along in such a fantastic way! 
> 
> Eagerly awaiting your thoughts!

Three days later, just returned from a day trip to Polis, Lexa stood outside her tent with her hands firmly behind her back and an impatient but exhausted look on her face as she waited for Nyko to step out and update her on Clarke’s progress. “How is she?” she demanded the moment he stepped out of the tent.

He avoided her gaze and ran a hand through his beard before responding. “She is too hot,” he answered with some finality. 

Lexa stared at him, waiting for some kind of clarification. He wouldn’t look at her, and this set off alarm bells in her mind. “Elaborate,” she finally commanded. 

“I am running out of herbs to help in the healing process. I will run out in four days’ time,” he responded with a deep sigh. “She is taking much longer to respond to them than I thought she would, and I am burning through them at a faster pace.” 

“So send someone to get more,” Lexa snapped back in irritation. 

Nyko shook his head, “I must go and collect it myself. Without proper care it will deteriorate before it arrives here.” 

Lexa bit her lip as she processed what he was saying. “Can you use something else?” she questioned. 

Nyko shook his head. “It is the best sedative for her right now, and it’s the only thing keeping her body temperature low. Nothing else is working.” 

“How long will you be gone?” she asked through pursed lips. Weariness was beginning a to settle in her body from her long journey and she fought not to fidget and stay focused. She had traveled through the night to be back to TonDC before sunrise, afraid she would not be here in case something happened with Clarke. 

“Two, maybe three days,” he responded, shifting the bag slung around his shoulder. She hadn’t noticed it before, and suddenly the gravity of the situation hit her. “She is asleep right now, but it would help if there was someone invested in her well being to stay with her. Someone will need to make sure she continues to drink the tea, and keep her comfortable.” 

“One of your healers?” Lexa quipped back, squeezing her fingers behind her back to restrain herself from offering to do it. 

 

Nyko eyed her warily before asking, “perhaps a more delicate hand is in order? When do you return to Polis for good?”

She narrowed her eyes at the question. “I need to return the day after tomorrow, after I meet with Abi and Markus.” 

He shook his head at her response. “Can you wait? Until I come back?” he asked, already knowing the answer. 

“They will be expecting my arrival,” she replied without answering his question. 

“A few more days?” he insisted at her response. She shook her head. Her mind was made up. She could not continue to wait for Clarke to come around, she needed to return to her duties as Heda, couldn’t spend her nights riding back and forth between TonDC and Polis like she just had. After a measured pause Nyko pushed one more time. “She needs you.”

She stared at him with a look of apathy on her face despite the jump in her heart, fighting to control her breathing as she worked to convince herself that she had misheard him. 

“Despite what you may think, she whimpers your name in her sleep. She needs a reason to fight, even if it's to fight against you,” he repeated quietly as if betraying a secret. Lexa’s heart simultaneously broke and soared at the information. She felt strangely conflicted at the news. She thinks of you, she told herself, but she hates you so much she can’t bear to look at you. 

She scrutinized the ground for a moment before relenting. “I will leave upon your return. Not a moment longer.”

Nyko smiled and nodded, before he pulled his bag open and handed her a small box full of odd-looking dried and grounded roots and leaves. “This will keep her pain and temperature down, give it to her when she wakes or if she feels hotter. It will knock her out for a while, but sleep is good. It helps regenerate her body.” 

Lexa nodded as she stared at the plants in the box. “How do I prepare it?” she asked before glancing up at Nyko. 

“Grind it up and pour a spoonful into hot water, mix it well,” Nyko answered as he closed the lid of the box and handed it to her, “be careful not to give her more. It is a strong herb and too much has extreme effects. Continue to give it to her even if the fever breaks, to help her heal faster.”

Lexa nodded once and tucked the box under her arm, committing the information to memory. 

“There is one more thing…” he hedged, “the Ashwagandhas has a tendency to be…” he squinted slightly searching for the right word, “a stimulant.”

She stared at him blankly, trying to understand what he meant. 

“When the fever breaks, the plant can make her feel -- stimulated?” He ended the explanation as if it were a question. “You’re going to need to carefully monitor how much she takes to keep unwanted side effects at a minimum.”

Lexa stared at him for a moment, turning the words around in her mind before recognition finally took hold. “Oh,” was all she could manage to respond as she glanced down at the box in her hands and back up to Nyko, who was already walking away from her. 

She glanced at the box with unease, squared her shoulders and turned to walk into her tent for the first time since Clarke had lashed out at her. 

As her eyes adjusted to the dim light in the tent, she glanced around the room then let her eyes settle on Clarke’s still form on her bed. Warily, she stepped all the way in, placed the box on the table and quietly unbuckled her armor and jacket, laying them on top of a chair. Fighting the urge to go to Clarke’s side, she turned her attention to the fire, that had begun to die from inattention. She grabbed a few logs and spent some time arranging them, stoking the fire until the flame grew and she felt satisfied. 

Grabbing the kettle, she placed it over the flame and stared at it, as if silently demanding that it boil faster. She let out a sigh, coming to the realization that she had nothing left to draw her attention, and would have to confront the sleeping form sooner rather than later. 

She held her breath as she crept closer to the bed, her eyes searching for the blond’s body amidst the massive bundle of furs. When she reached the bedside, she finally spotted a tuft of blond hair sticking out from under the pelts. Slowly and gently, she pulled the brown fur down to get a better view of what she was working with. Clarke's face was still bruised, but the swelling was decreasing and the red had been replaced with bluish purple marks around her forehead and eyes. Her bottom lip was swollen from the cut she had sustained and her chin had begun to turn yellow as it healed. A thin sheen of sweat was covering her brow, which Lexa assumed came from being buried underneath so many furs. 

Leaving Clarke’s head uncovered, Lexa moved to the other side of the bed and lifted the furs slowly, taking in Clarke’s legs and confirming her suspicion. Clarke was covered in a thin sheen of sweat all over her body. Moving quickly, she grabbed water from the kettle and poured it into a container with some of her favorite mix of scents and soap, intending to clean as much of Clarke’s sleeping form as she could. 

Clarke had been redressed in a light tunic commonly used for the sick. It allowed easy movement for healers as they cleaned wounds and applied salves. While the fabric breathed well, it did a poor job of wicking sweat away from the body. Slowly, she uncovered Clarke’s legs, not wanting to wake her up, and gently began the process of wiping the blond’s body, taking her time and meticulously covering as much skin as she could with fresh clean water. She was so engrossed in her work, that she didn’t realize that Clarke had woken up and was staring at her intently. 

“What are you doing?” she questioned, with a sharp edge to her hoarse, unused voice. 

Lexa froze, unsure if she should drop the leg and cloth and step away for fear of being kicked by Clarke, or continue her work. After no kick came her way, she dipped the cloth into the the warm water before resuming her endeavour . “I am cleaning your legs, Klark.” 

Clarke’s glare bore into the back of Lexa’s head, but she resisted the temptation to meet her gaze, waiting for Clarke to decide what she would do. “Why are you here? Where is Nyko?” she asked. 

“He needed to get more herbs to aid in your healing,” Lexa replied calmly, switching to Clark’s other leg and bracing herself for an attack. “How do you feel?” she asked after a moment of silence. 

Clarke dropped her head back onto the bed, licking her dry lips before responding, “Thirsty.”

Lexa stood and grabbed a cup to prepare more tea for Clarke to drink. She ground a small portion of the plant before mixing it carefully into the hot water, bringing it to the bed for Clarke to drink. 

Clarke leaned up against the bed and glared at her. “Why are you here?” she asked again, refusing to take the cup from Lexa’s hands. 

“I am here to take care of you, Klark.” Lexa’s eyes remained soft around the edges despite her mask being firmly in place. She stared blankly at Clarke, neither of them wanting to be the first to move. 

“I don’t want you here,” Clarke said after a moment. She dropped her gaze to the cup and licked her lips again. Her thirst won out and she reached to take the cup from Lexa’s hand, wincing at the pain before being able to fully extend her arm. 

Lexa immediately dropped to her knees at the bedside and slowly drew the cup up to Clarke’s lips with her hand under it to catch any liquid that might spill. “You are hurt and need to take it easy. Don’t strain yourself, Klark.” She watched the blond slowly drink, her eyes closed as she greedily finished the cup. 

Lexa felt her breath hitch as soon as Clarke opened her eyes and met hers. She struggled to find the right thing to say, her mind coming up with excuses but her mouth knowing that they were not enough to make up for leaving Clarke behind. She couldn’t read Clarke’s expression, couldn’t gage what she was thinking. “Let me help you.” It was a command that came out as a plea. She watched Clarke’s eyes narrow as she stared at Lexa who didn't move, giving her the time to decide. Without saying anything, Clarke dropped her gaze and laid back down, closing her eyes. 

Lexa waited. She didn’t know what for, but she felt like she ought to to seek permission to stay. Her eyes stared at Clarke’s face, waiting for her to demand for her to leave, but nothing happened. She stood and put the cup back on the table, before refilling her container with fresh water to continue washing Clarke’s body. 

“Why are you doing this?” Clarke asked so quietly that Lexa wasn’t sure if she had imagined it. Gently, she placed the clean leg down, covering Clarke again with two fur pelts before turning her body to face her. She merely offered a small smile as a response to the questioning look on Clarke's face. She could feel Clarke studying her as she slowly, gently pulled her arm from under the covers. She felt her wince at the pain of moving her arm, but Clarke didn’t protest under Lexa’s light touch. 

Lexa dipped the cloth into the warm water and carefully glided it along Clarke’s forearm, staring intently at the soft skin as she watched the dirt be replaced with a soft pink color. She repeated the action again and again along the whole arm, until all that was left was a light lavender scent and clean skin. Glancing up to meet Clarke’s gaze, she realized that Clarke was crying. 

She stared blankly at the tears rolling down the side of her face, Clarke’s brow furrowed in a mixture of concentration and pain, leaving Lexa at a loss as to what to do. She glanced at the clenched fist she was holding, fingers covered in grime and dried blood. For the first time in her life, she felt completely useless. Her instinct told her to dry Clarke’s tears, to wrap her up in her arms and hold her until the pain disappeared; but she felt frozen in place, unable to move forward to soothe Clarke or step back and give her space to cry. Dipping the cloth into the water, she very gently opened Clarke’s fist and ran the the warm water through her palm, resigning herself to simply continuing her task until Clarke sent her away. 

She moved the arm back under the covers and heard a slight sniffle from Clark before she turned and set about refreshing the dirty water. She grabbed a cleaner cloth and moved to Clarke’s other side, pulled her arm other out and began to clean it. She noticed a large gash on the forearm and took particular care to not cause any pain as she cleaned around it. A few minutes later, she nodded to herself at having finished cleaning the other arm, before turning her attention to Clarke’s hand. Her nails were worn and broken, black grime stuck underneath in addition to the caked-on dirt.

Without thinking, she pulled out her dagger from her boot and was startled at how quickly Clarke pulled her arm back with a small growl. She glanced up and saw the blond trying to lean up on her arm to defend herself. Lexa felt her heart shatter at the motion. She glanced at the dagger in her hand before looking back at Clarke’s red eyes and tear-streaked face. 

“I…” Lexa glanced down and back at Clarke again, trying to explain what she was doing. “I just wanted to clean your nails.” 

Clarke glared at her for a moment, before the effort of leaning against a damaged arm became too much and she fell back gracelessly, moaning a little at the pain. Slowly, Clarke let her arm fall out to her side, giving Lexa access to her hand again. 

Lexa sat back down and began to gently clean under Clarke’s nails, before washing the rest of her hand. She dropped the washcloth back into the container and glanced at Clarke who had her eyes closed. She let out a small resolute sigh. “I’ll let you rest,” she whispered before standing to leave. 

“Don’t!” Clarke suddenly yelled. Lexa froze, unsure of what to do. She waited for Clarke to continue. The silence was irritating Lexa, who had prepared herself for Clarke to scream at her, fight her, to do something besides lay there in silence. 

Lexa felt the need to fill the silence. “Klark, I…”

“Don’t,” Clarke said softer this time, cutting her off. “Don’t…leave.” Lexa looked into pained eyes, unable to respond. “I just…I don’t want to be alone,” she whispered softly, the evident look of pained betrayal on her face. 

Lexa nodded twice, before quietly sitting down next to the bed, taking Clarke’s hand in her own and continuing to gently run the wash cloth against it. On the bed, she could hear Clarke crying, she could feel her soft sobs vibrating through her body. Lexa hung her head, holding onto Clarke’s fingers as if they might stop her from being swallowed by the very earth. Without her permission, tears began to fall down her own face and the familiar feeling wormed its way into her chest. She had broken Clarke, and she didn’t know how to fix her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies!
> 
> I hope everyones week has gone better then my own! I am delighted to offer another chapter in hopes that if it wasn't, this will make up for some of it! Thank you to Hotladykisses for being amazing and helping me clean up another amazing chapter! 
> 
> I will be traveling to Toronto through the rest of the week, and will not be able to do much work on this story in the mean time, which means that the next post might be a bit late! I hope you will be forgiving, but work is one of those things I have to attend to if I want to be able to afford to keep the lights on and the wifi working!
> 
> I also made the unfortunate decision to catch up on The 100, and was gutted again at the last episode. It feels very much like they just don't want me to be invested in the show anymore, and as such, I am going to respect their decision and stop watching. This will not effect my stories, as I have decided to completely AU anyway. Hopefully you will enjoy the little universe I've chosen to create!
> 
> XO

A persistent groan roused Lexa from her uncomfortable sleep. She wearily opened her eyes and realized that she had fallen asleep on the floor next to the bed, Clarke’s hand firmly in her grasp. She slowly stood up, her stiff muscles protesting slightly. She gently pried Clarke’s hold from her hand and stretched her arms over her head, hearing the satisfying pop of her back at the motion. 

Clarke responded to the loss of Lexa’s hand with a deep moan. Lexa glanced at the blond and felt her stomach drop at the sight. Clarke was drenched in sweat, her lips white and her face flushed. She tossed uncomfortably in the bed. Lexa reached over and gently laid her hand on Clarke’s forehead. She pulled it back quickly - Clarke was burning up.. 

Slight panic started to rise as she realized that she had let the fire die down and had fallen asleep without giving Clarke more of the tea. Less than a day into caring for her and already I’ve made her worse, she chastised herself, quickly stoking the fire and running out to refill her kettle. 

She went quickly to the community well, cursing herself each step of the way, refilled the container and forced herself to walk to her tent in order to not raise any potential concern among the people who were out and about at seeing their Commander running. 

“Heda.” Indra appeared out of nowhere and kept pace with her, glancing at the large kettle that Lexa carried like it was a small child. “Abi and Markus will be here in the morning, how would you like me to prepare for their arrival?”

Lexa stopped dead in her tracks and glanced up at the setting sun. She grimaced at the realization that she had slept the day away. “Any news from Polis?” she asked, glancing at a rolled-up parchment in Indra’s hands. 

“This has been delivered from Titus, ” Indra responded, trying to find a way to hand the document over. Lexa raised her elbow so Indra could slide the roll under her arm without letting go of the kettle. “Prepare the command room for their arrival, and make sure they have an armed escort. I don’t want to risk anything happening to them before they arrive here,” she ordered, moving once again towards her tent. 

“Ja, Heda.” Indra huffed her protest quietly before following behind her. “Is there anything else I can do?” she asked as they reached her tent. 

Lexa glanced at her quickly, her mind already consumed with Clarke’s rising fever and finding out whatever information lay on the parchment. “I need more wood and food before the sun sets,” was all she could think of. 

Not waiting for a response, she stepped into her tent and quickly placed the kettle over the fire. Clarke’s moans were more desperate. Lexa grabbed a clean wash cloth and dipped it into the kettle, soaking it before she closed the top and made her way to Clarke, who had thrown off the pelts and was writhing in agony. 

Clarke suddenly sat upright in bed and howled in pain at the sudden motion. She looked desperately around the room before her eyes fell upon Lexa. “Help…me,” she whimpered before falling back on the bed, fully spent. 

Lexa quickly wiped the sweat from Clarke’s face. She gently moved the cloth down her neck and continued to wipe the sweat from her arms, upper chest, and legs before covering her with a pelt again. She ran to the kettle, hoping that it had enough time to boil the water as she grabbed a cup and the wooden box. She opened it and cursed at herself slightly when she spilled a small portion of the herb onto the table.

“Lexa,” Clark whispered from her bed. 

“I’m coming Klark,” Lexa called back, attempting to scoop up the spilled product before stopping herself. Her hands were shaking, making it difficult for her to control her actions. She inhaled deeply and forced herself to slow down, then dropped the collected material into the cup before pouring the hot liquid into it.

Making her way over to Clarke, Lexa frowned when she realized that the blond had pulled the pelt off her body again. “Klark,” she said softly, sitting on the edge of the bed, “Klark, I need you to drink this.”

Clarke shook her head without opening her eyes, a slight pout forming on her lips. Lexa felt a tug at her heart. Clarke was being just as stubborn as she would be herself, even after asking for help.

“Please, Klark,” Lexa begged. She reached down and tried to pull her up by placing her hand behind her neck. 

The blond opened her eyes and furrowed her brow at the action, blinking hazily at Lexa. “Why?” she slurred quietly. 

“Because you are too hot, Klark,” Lexa pressed, bringing the cup to Clarke’s mouth. 

Clarke shook her head and attempted to turn her face away. “No,” she continued to protest. Lexa let out an exasperated breath, unsure of how to get Clarke to drink, and tried to follow her movements with the cup. “No -- why did you leave me?” 

Lexa froze at the question, staring with wide eyes at Clarke who turned her eyes to her. Emotions were swirling in her deep blue gaze, as Lexa opened her mouth to respond but once again couldn’t find the appropriate words. She shook her head slowly, her mouth left agape. 

“I trusted you,” Clarke breathed deeply, moaning at the pull against her ribs, her eyes focusing and unfocusing as she continued, “You betrayed me.” 

Lexa fought the urge to shake her head. “I did what I needed to do to secure my people.” she heard herself reply through her stoic mask. 

Clarke winced at the words, her breath coming in small shallow gasps. “I thought I was one of your people?”

Lexa’s heart broke at Clarke’s words. “Clarke.” She caressed the sky girl’s face, getting her attention. “You are the only one that matters right now,” Lexa whispered reassuringly. She watched Clarke sway slightly, her eyes rolling into the back of her head as she lost consciousness. 

“KLARK!” Lexa shouted, shaking her slightly, panic taking over once again. “Klark, wake up!” She shook the blond one more time, receiving a small moan as her only answer. “Please, Klark,” she begged, putting the cup down to get a better hold of Clarke’s body. 

Clarke’s head lolled uselessly to the side. She opened her eyes slowly, her pupils struggling to focus, sweat forming on her brow again. “Tell me. Why?” 

Lexa huffed her frustration at Clarke’s stubbornness. “I had no other choice, Klark.” 

Clarke shook her head. “There is always a choice,” she countered quietly. 

Lexa felt tears sting her eyes as she stared at the blond. “ Would you have done differently?” she pushed back. 

Tears fell down Clarke’s face. “You made a choice,” she growled, inhaling sharply. “To save your people at the destruction of mine. You made the choice for me. I had to kill everyone in the mountain to save those you abandoned.” 

Lexa brought both her hands up to cradle Clarke’s face and caressed her cheek gently with her thumbs, staring into pained blue eyes. “Then you understand, don't you?” she pleaded softly. Clark moaned lightly, closing her eyes at the effort to stay awake. “Klark…” Lexa shook her gently. “I need you to wake up and drink the tea! Klark, please?” She shook her again. 

Lexa picked up the cool, wet washcloth and gently wiped at Clarke’s forehead, hoping the coolness would help rouse the blond. Clarke blinked several times, smiling weakly at the gentle action before responding, “I do. I just needed to hear it from you.” 

Lexa shook her head, confused. “Hear what, Klark? Tell me? Hear what?!” She reached for the cup, hoping to to coax Clarke into drinking the liquid.

The blonde swallowed thickly, licking her lips slowly as she fought to focus on Lexa. “That you don’t care.” She exhaled slowly, her eyes unfocused again, “You don’t care about me.” 

“No, Klark!” Lexa's heart shattered at Clarke's words. "That's not true." She could feel tears rolling down her face, and hear the sob that escaped as she inhaled a shuddered breath, but she didn’t care. “Klark,” she whispered, her thumb resuming its gentle glide across her cheek, “I do care,” she whispered, her forehead gently touching Clarke’s in an effort to hold both of them up. 

Clarke moaned, her eyes squeezed shut and her breath coming in shallow pants. Lexa pulled Clarke into her lap, holding her tightly in her arms. “I’m…” she hesitated, unsure if Clarke was even conscious enough to hear her. She softly brushed a strand of hair from Clarke’s face. “I’m sorry.” She glanced at the ceiling, hoping to find inspiration there, and frowned at finding nothing. Her thumb wiped one of her tears that had fallen on Clarke’s cheek, then followed the contours of her lower lip. “I never wanted to do this to you,” she whispered. “I need you, Klark. I need you to fight! I need you to fight and get better!”

Picking up the washcloth, she dried Clarke’s face again, feeling her temperature before shaking her lightly. “Klark? I need you to drink, please.” Lifting her up slightly, she placed the cup against her lips. Clarke lazily opened her mouth and finally let the fluid enter. Lexa breathed a small sigh of relief. Clarke drank a little deeper from the cup before closing her lips and turning her head, spilling some on herself. Lexa gently laid her back down on the bed, fear and frustration caught in her throat, making it hard to breathe. 

She grabbed the cloth and wiped at Clarke’s head and chin. She pulled the fur up to cover her shaking body and sat there, helpless, trying to come up with something to do to help her feel better. She dropped her head onto Clarke’s chest, needing to feel the reassuring rise and fall. “I’m sorry, Klark.” She breathed out her new mantra, hoping to somehow make it through to her. She couldn’t change the past, she could only work towards a day when she could keep her promise to Clarke to keep her clan safe. “I’ll fix this, I promise I will find a way.”

Lexa lifted her head, eyes scanning the blond’s face. “Klark?” she questioned. Her only response was a deep inhale and a small shift. After a while, she felt the softest caress on her hand. “I thought Commanders never said sorry?” Clarke husked out.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello cupcakes!   
> Thank you for your kindness, patience, and continued readership! I know I say this a lot, but your kudos and comments are the highlight and the encouragement needed to continue to write. It's almost like instant writers block! 
> 
> As always, I could not do produce the quality of story that you are enjoying without hotladykisses as my beta reader. 
> 
> XO

“I thought you were sleeping?” Lexa asked, trying to gauge how much the blond might have heard. Clarke shook her head, her eyes still closed. “How much did you hear?” she finally asked.

“All of it,” Clarke responded, slightly opening her eyes and lazily taking in Lexa’s concerned face. She couldn’t hide the embarrassment she felt at having laid out her feelings, a slight blush creeping across her face at Clarke’s scrutinizing gaze. 

“I can explain…” Lexa started, but quickly lost the words. What exactly am I explaining? she thought to herself.

“Would you have said any of that if you didn’t think I was asleep?” Clarke asked with a slight raise of her eyebrows as a fresh sheen of sweat formed on her brow. 

Lexa grabbed the washcloth, needing something to distract herself with. She mindlessly turned the cloth over in her hands. “You’re sweating again,” was all she could think to respond. She avoided Clarke’s penetrating gaze and leaned over her, trying to reach her brow without touching any other part of her body. 

Clarke reached up and grabbed her forearm, stopping her mid-swipe before pulling her closer. She had no choice but to meet blue eyes as her face was brought within inches of the sky girl. “Tell me,” she demanded, her grip tightening slightly as if she expected Lexa to suddenly bolt.

Lexa shook her head, watching Clarke narrow her eyes at the action. She opened her mouth to respond, but struggled to find anything to say that would make it better. “I meant it,” she whispered, unsure of what else to say to explain herself. 

“I know.” Clarke moved her hand from her forearm and placed it over the hand that held the washcloth, gently running her thumb against it. “I hated you so much for what you did. I have never felt more alone than when I watched you walk away…” Clarke released her hold and took a deep breath, looking away. Lexa waited for her to continue. She couldn’t help but stare at the blond, willing her to keep talking. After another moment of silence, she resumed wiping the sweat off her brow. 

“You said hated,” she whispered. A glimmer of hope forced her heart to beat a little faster in her chest.

“What?” Clarke’s confused face turned slightly towards her. 

“Hated,” Lexa repeated, refreshing the cloth in the water basin she had left next to the bed. “Do you feel differently now?” She frowned slightly at her own question, before correcting herself. “Do you understand why I did it?” She didn’t want to say it out loud -- abandoned you, left you, walked away from you, the chorus of her betrayal repeated itself in her mind, forcing her to shake her head lightly to try and cancel out the sound. 

“I didn’t at first, but...” Clarke sighed lightly, averting her gaze. Lexa nodded, encouraging her to continue. “I saw a different side of myself after you left. I’m not sure how to square that away with who my people think I am now.” She met Lexa’s eyes and paused before continuing, “I couldn’t stand to look at my people, let alone myself afterward. I can’t imagine the perpetual hurt you must be in.” 

Clarke reached up and took Lexa’s hand again, drawing it close to her breast. Lexa’s heart stopped beating in her chest, lodging itself permanently in her throat. She held her breath as she stared into piercing blue eyes, trying to remember how to breathe, how to make her body function underneath that intense gaze. She had expected anger, resentment or hate from Clarke. It seemed only fitting that the sky girl was allowed to take all her negative emotions out on her after what she had done. 

This version of Clarke, however, didn’t make sense to her, she never expected her to be kind or understanding. She felt thrown off kilter by the blond’s soft touch and confused eyes. “It gets easier, over time,” she replied, surprised by how hoarse her voice suddenly sounded, her throat constricted as she tried to swallow. She took a staggered breath, trying to force herself to even her breathing out. 

“What?” Clarke asked. Lexa could feel Clarke’s eyes searching her face, could feel the electric heat between them, and it made it hard for her to concentrate. 

“The pain,” she responded simply, her eyes scanning every inch of Clarke’s face, looking for minute details that might tell her what the blond was thinking or feeling. “Not being able to face yourself.” She glanced down at their hands, Clarke’s covering hers firmly. “The anger, the resentment at having to always choose your people’s best interest over your own. To be Heda,” she paused, correcting herself, “to lead means to be alone. Love is a weakness, which means the only love you are allowed, the one that always comes first, is the one for your people. You have to make impossible decisions for their benefit and you learn to accept the hate from people who oppose you as well.” She looked away, uncomfortable at baring her soul, but feeling the need to continue, for Clarke’s sake. “Eventually that fire in the pit of your stomach turns into a dull flame, and you learn to live with yourself. With who you have become.” 

“I don’t hate you,” Clarke whispered, squeezing her hand, “It’ll just take time for me to figure this all out.”

“We can work this out together, Klark.” Lexa swallowed thickly, trying to maintain her stoic mask, despite the promise behind Clarke’s words, “For the good of our clans.” She held back what she wanted to say -- we can figure this out, whatever this is between us. 

Clarke cocked her head slightly, her hand moving from the back of Lexa’s hand. “Right. For the good of the clans, she agreed, nodding once before turning her face away.

Lexa stared blankly at the girl, trying to understand what had just shifted in the room. “Get some rest, Klark.” She grabbed the water basin and refreshed its content for future use, giving Clarke, some space to fall asleep. Then she sat heavily in her chair, the weariness settling in. She wanted nothing more than to climb into bed with Clarke and sleep until they were both magically healed somehow. But her duties as Heda would not allow her that kind of luxury. She lifted her lethargic body off the chair, spread the parchments out again, and renewed her vigor at figuring out where to enforce first against the potential Azgeda attack.


	9. Chapter 9

Lexa was exhausted. She had spent the last few hours alternately changing Clarke’s bandages, watching her sleep or forcing her awake to drink the herbs Nyko had left. She was too afraid to fall asleep and risk waking up to find Clarke worse again. Food was delivered, but it sat largely untouched by the brunette who had been too focused to notice the hunger pangs. The combination created a weariness that caused her to feel giddy with a sense of almost drunkenness. 

Her eyes carefully scrutinized Clarke’s features, looking for some telltale sign of discomfort. Beyond the odd twitch though, the sky girl was sleeping soundly. She ran a hand across Clarke’s forehead, making sure her fever had not spiked again, before admitting to herself that it was useless for her to sit here any longer. 

She crossed the room to her table, and pulled out the parchment that Indra had given her for the fourth time since since her meeting with the sky leaders. The package contained a series of maps of the Trikru region with the bordering lands of other clans, all focused on where the Azgeda could potentially cross. 

It had been nearly a day since her meeting with Abby and Marcus. They had shown up eager to talk about their needs, but Lexa found it hard to focus on anything, her mind constantly going back to Clarke, and the prospect of a new war with her fiercest enemy. It was clear that there was still a lot of work to be done in order to secure the Skai Kru’s assistance in the pending Azgeda conflict. They were hesitant to work with her, to trust her, and she couldn’t blame them. Despite all that, they knew that it would be best for their people to find a way to work together, and despite the circular feeling of the conversation, Lexa felt there was hope for a more permanent truce between their people. 

Abby had brought up the subject of Clarke’s disappearance, and Lexa could clearly see the anguish in the chancellor’s eyes. She was hurting for her missing daughter, the kind of hurt that Lexa recognized as her own before Clarke had been found. Still, , she had decided not to tell them that Clarke had been found, wanting to give Wanheda a chance to decide for herself when she would be ready to return to her people. It was no way to try and start a new truce between the clans, she knew that. More importantly she also knew that giving Clarke free will over her choices was an important step in their healing process. 

She shifted from one foot to the other, trying to narrow her focus to the maps in front of her, instead of the blond in her bed. Her concern was not with the Azgeda army moving across their border -- she had the largest army ever assembled, and with the help of the Skai Kru’s weapons, was confident she could easily wipe them out. What she was concerned about was the smaller villages that would be in the path of the enemy’s march. She had made a commitment to keep all clans under her coalition safe, and would be damned if the Azgeda was going to ruin that for her. 

She laid the maps out, marking the areas she would have to come back to and analyze when she could focus more clearly on the information. She couldn’t stop thinking about her conversation with Clarke. Their words tumbled around in her mind. Each time she thought of the possibility of working with Clarke again, her stomach filled with an anxiousness that flittered throughout her entire body, making it impossible to think of anything else. Sighing, she rubbed her face in frustration. She heard Clarke move in the bed and glanced through parted fingers at the sudden rise of blond hair when she tried to sit up. “Lexa?” Clarke asked, sleep evident in her voice. 

Crossing the room quickly, she sat on the bed, peering at Clarke through narrowed eyes. “How are you feeling, Clarke?” 

“Exhausted,” Clarke responded, blinking around the room, “Everything hurts, and I’m thirsty.” 

Lexa stood and grabbed a drink, bringing it quickly to Clarke’s lips as she resumed her spot on the bed. “Drink slowly,” she warned, not wanting Clarke to lift herself up anymore than she was and cause more pain. 

Clarke drank slowly, before her eyes narrowed and she pulled her head away. “Oh God!” 

“What is it?” Putting the cup down, she tried to find the cause of her discomfort, searching her face and body for any indication. 

“I smell,” Clarke moaned out, grimacing as a light blush formed on her cheeks. 

Lexa bit back a smile. “You’ve been sick.” Lexa reminded her, “I’ve tried my best to keep you clean, but you’ve been feverish and sweating for three days now.”

Clarke wrinkled her nose, “I need to go. I need to take a bath.” Lexa shook her head. She didn’t want to risk Clarke hurting herself by getting up and walking around. Clarke’s eyes flashed a familiar look of indignation at being told no. She tried to sit up and groaned at the action. 

“Klark, please!” Lexa found herself compromising as she gently pushed Clarke’s shoulder back down. “I could get some water drawn. It’ll take some time but we could do it here?” 

“No. I can’t believe how gross I am right now. I’ll just go to the lake,” Clarke pressed back, practically pouting at the idea of having to wait. 

Lexa searched her mind for a better solution, but the exhaustion had fully set in and she couldn’t come up with a viable argument against Clarke. Having Clarke out was one thing, but risking a bath at the lake would mean they would both be exposed to potential Azgeda scouts. She knew that Clarke would not relent though, and to be fair, she could use a bath herself after having been cooped up for so many days in her tent. 

“How about I take you to the hot spring?” she offered. “The waters have been known to aid in healing. It’s safe and private, and not far from here.” She watched Clarke roll the idea around in her mind, before nodding in agreement. “Just wait here until I figure out a way to get you there without you hurting yourself. Ok?” 

Clarke rolled her eyes, “Fine.” She responded, yawning despite herself before burrowing deeper into the fur and dozing off again. Apparently the bath could wait a little longer for Lexa to make the appropriate plans to get them there.

Grabbing one of the parchments off the table, Lexa left the tent for what felt like the first time in days.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dropping a short chapter today because it's not long enough to do much else but surprise you with it!. Prepping for a steamy...er...medical...bath..chapter of a bath thats for medical purposes. Purely for medical purposes. Carry on...
> 
> XO

The early morning sun was threatening to break the twilight hours, giving the sky an orange hue. She made her way towards the town center, knowing full well that Indra would be up already, prepared as always to lead the rebuilding of TonDC. 

She found her staring at the remains of the once large crater, her arms folded and a grimace across her face. “Morning Indra,” Lexa greeted, taking a spot next to her. 

If she was surprised to see Lexa, she didn’t show it, grunting her morning welcome with a huff. “Heda.” They stared in silence at the black dirt for a few moments before Indra turned towards Lexa. “What brings you out so early this morning, Commander?” 

“I still think you should plant a tree here, instead of just covering it up.” Lexa quipped, ignoring her question. 

Indra nodded, turning back towards the spot. “Right as always, Heda. A tree will grow here to commemorate the lives lost. It will forever serve as a reminder of your strength to our people.” 

Lexa rolled her eyes at the sentiment. “It’s not meant as a reminder of my strength,” she countered in a low voice, “it’s meant as a reminder of those we lost, and what we can accomplish when we work together.” She glanced at Indra, who was studying her now. “A tree needs firm roots to grow, each one feeding it the nutrients it needs to go from seed to a tall and strong tree with branches that reach out strong and wide. Each component of the tree works together to make something bigger, better than itself; and in return the tree can provide for its environment. A home for birds to nest in, shade for warriors, food for animals which in turn feed our people.” Lexa squatted, filling her hand with the soil before releasing it and standing up. “It is not my strength that makes us powerful, it is our strength that makes us unstoppable.”

Indra nodded solemnly, her attention turned back to the pit. She inhaled heavily. “But what kind of tree is the right one?” she asked.

Lexa felt a smile tug at her lips -- Indra always did know how to kill the mood. “Have there been any updates from the scouts?” she asked in return.

Shaking her head, Indra turned to Lexa. “No updates. We find evidence of their scouts, but we have not been able to track them down before they move camp. It’s only a matter of time before they run out of places to hide.” 

Lexa nodded, unfolding the parchment she had tucked under her arm. “I want you to evaluate this area here, near Eden’s pass.” She pointed to the area on the parchment, giving the paper over to her. 

“I’ll send someone up to investigate the area,” Indra responded with a curt nod. 

“If you could...” Lexa hedged slightly, narrowing her eyes as she turned towards Indra. “Nyko has not come back yet. Perhaps you could send a scout to make sure nothing has happened to him?” Indra nodded before turning away, heading towards her home with her eyes on the map. “And...” Lexa called after her, stopping her before she could make it too far, “I will visit the hot springs today.” Indra’s eyebrow rose. “With Klark.” Both eyebrows went up at the mention of the sky girl’s name. “I’ll need a cart to get her there, she’s not well enough to ride on her own.”

Nodding slowly, Indra took a few steps towards her. “Is this wise, Heda? Leaving the safety of the camp with Wanheda?” 

Lexa bristled slightly at the statement, but didn’t show it. “I will not be made a prisoner by anyone, let alone Azgeda.” 

Turning on her own heel, Lexa walked past her tent towards Nyko’s home, hoping to find some fresh bandages and salve to redress Clarke’s wounds after the hot springs. She was healing well, but it wouldn’t hurt to be prepared. Lexa wasn’t sure how deep Clarke’s wounds went, or how painful the trip and the bath would be for the blond. Despite all that, she couldn’t fight the small smile that tugged at her lips. Today was going to be much better than she could have hoped for.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A million thank you's to my beta reader Hotladykisses - who has probably spent waaaay to much time on this chapter, and the next handful going forward. If there is anything you don't like, blame that on me as she probably argued against it! :) lol
> 
> Thank you to all of those how have taken the time to write a comment or review. I can't tell you how much those little words mean to me, and how they fuel a writers soul. Even if it's not for my story, I really encourage you to take a moment and just send some appreciation to any of your favorite writers. It is often the little bit of motivation that is needed when we are stuck on a chapter, or the confidence we need to move forward with a story or an idea. 
> 
> So thank you for providing that! 
> 
> XO

Lexa stood and watched as her two guards unhooked the cart while she roused Clarke from her sleep. “Come Klark.” She caressed her cheek, watching as the blond’s eyes fluttered open. “We need to get you inside.” Moving aside, one of the men cautiously pulled her up, taking care to not let the fur fall from around her body. Lexa fought the urge to keep her hand under the blond as she was carried away, just in case Clarke suddenly shifted and fell, not keen on trusting anyone else to handle the delicate body. She let theguard lead her inside the cavern, slowly making their way through the entrance. Clarke's face was knit tightly in pain despite the care to avoid jostling her body. 

“I’m sorry, Wanheda” he offered through a bemused grin. Lexa rolled her eyes at the action, knowing he would boast later about carrying the great Wanheda in his arms. 

After entering the cavern, Lexa’s eyes adjusted and she inhaled deeply the warm mineral scent. She pointed to a space at the edge of the pool where it would be the warmest, giving her guard enough room to lay Clarke down on the furs she had spread out as a base. Clarke nestled herself into the furs, shifting slightly against the pull of her tired muscles before snoozing comfortably once again. “Wait outside, keep a wary eye,” Lexa ordered her guards, watching as they nodded and left the cave.

Lexa quickly gathered wood and began to make a small fire next to the wall of the cave, knowing the heat would quickly fill the space. Placing the kettle on top of the fire, she glanced around the dimly lit chamber and frowned slightly at the atmosphere. She grabbed a small stick and then moved around the room, lighting the candles left from previous visits. The cave slowly changed from a dark dank space into something warm and inviting. 

Sitting down next to Clarke, Lexa watched her sleep with a small smile on her face. She couldn’t help the feeling that overwhelmed her every time she looked at Clarke’s face. Her hand found its way to the sky girl’s cheekbone, marveling at the strong jaw line, before languidly moving down to her chin and up to her lips. Clarke smiled at the gesture, leaning into the touch before opening her eyes to take in the freshly lit space. 

“It’s beautiful in here,” she husked out, her voice cracking slightly from lack of use. 

“How do you feel?” Lexa asked, letting her touch linger once again on Clarke’s cheekbone, before tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, not quite ready to give up the feeling of soft skin. 

“Better,” she responded, smiling softly. 

Lexa stood and grabbed a cup, took the box of herbs out and poured the hot water. She frowned slightly, staring at the cup. "Do you think it’s too soon to have you drink some more?" 

"Does it matter?" Clarke husked from beneath the furs. "It's not like I can overdose on herbs."

Lexa bit her lip as she stared at the opened container. What if she could? She remembered Nyko’s warning before brushing it aside -- he would have told her if there was a concern. She didn’t want to risk Clarke’s fever returning after so many hours of having finally broken it. She nodded to herself and made her way back to Clarke, rolling her eyes at the blond’s stubbornness as she watched her struggle to lift herself up. “Here, let me.” Lexa helped her sit up slowly, reclining her against a boulder before handing the cup over. 

“This tastes like ass,” Clarke commented with a scrunch of her nose. 

“Ass?” Lexa asked, biting back a smile. “Don’t waste it, you need to drink it all.”

“Why?” Clarke pressed, wrinkling her nose. “My fever is gone, I’m feeling better.” 

“It will keep the fever from returning, and there’s not much left so don’t waste a single drop.” Lexa moved the kettle aside, smiling slightly. “I had no idea you had such an intimate knowledge of what ‘ass’ tastes like.”

Clarke rolled her eyes, grasping the cup with both hands, her eyes scanning the cave. “What is this place?” 

“We have been using the healing waters of this cave for generations.” Lexa began to unbuckle her boots, slowly sliding them off as she glanced around. “I have come here myself to heal after many battles. Something about the water aids the body.” Standing, Lexa unbuckled her armor and took off her coat, placing it next to Clarke’s fur bed. 

“What did that man call me?” Clarke asked from behind the cup, “Wanheda? What does that mean?”

Lexa glanced up at her as she arranged her clothes. “Not something you need to worry about right now.” 

“I’ve heard it before, at a trading post; they were searching for “Wanheda”, Clarke pressed, watching Lexa. 

Lexa inhaled deeply, rolling around a simple explanation for a complex meaning. “You know what Heda means?” She tested her options, glancing up at Clarke. 

“Of course, it’s your title.” Clarke rolled her eyes slightly, waiting for Lexa to answer. “You’ve arranged your clothes like three times already. What aren’t you telling me?” 

Lexa frowned, staring at her hands. She had moved her coat and armour a few times while she struggled with a way to answer the question, trying to appear much busier than she actually was. “Wanheda is someone who comes less than once in a generation, if that. She or he is considered incredibly powerful. Clan leaders like the Azgeda believe that if you kill Wanheda, you absorb their power. It is the only title that could potentially supercede a Commander.” Lexa stared at Clarke, watched her absorb the information intently. 

“Commander of what?” Clarke asked quietly, finally catching on to the meaning. 

“Death,” Lexa answered, “Commander of death.” 

Clarke glanced away then closed her eyes, her body shuddering slightly at the name. “Because of the mountain?” 

“Yes.” Lexa wanted to add more, to remind her of her strength, her intelligence, humility and faith in the goodness of people. But she knew that Clarke was not ready to hear that, not ready to accept her place as a leader. She watched Clarke drink quietly from the cup for a few more moments before she furrowed her brow, looking around. “I forgot the change of clothes. Don’t move,” she ordered, briefly catching the rolling of the blond’s blue eyes. She walked to the entrance, called one of the guards and asked him to unravel the bundle of clothes from her horse. 

“Fuck!” Clarke yelled from inside the cavern, pain laced in her cry. 

Without a thought, Lexa ran back inside, ready to protect her from whatever was hurting her. She scanned the space, and found Clarke hunched over, wincing in pain at the edge of the water. “Klark?” she questioned, closing the space between them quickly, “What happened?” 

Clarke’s blue eyes looked up as she grimaced in pain. “I…” she inhaled softly and grit her teeth. “I tried to undress, but it hurts too much.” She winced again, her breath coming in uneven gasps as she clutched at the side where her broken rib was. 

Lexa shook her head softly and helped Clarke adjust herself in a more comfortable position. “You need to let me help you, Klark. Give me a moment to finish preparing.” Her guard had followed her in, and was standing at the entrance, unsure of how much further he should intrude on his Commander. “Thank you,” she offered, taking the pouch from him before dismissing him. 

She moved quickly, opening the pouch and laying everything out so it would be easy to grab once needed. With help from the fire, the temperature of the cavern had increased dramatically, but she still shivered slightly as she took off her pants, then quickly peeled off her chainmail top before kneeling at Clarke’s side, leaving her tank top on. “We should remove your pants at least.” 

Clarke glanced down, sighing lightly before nodding. “Can you…” she trailed off, biting her lip before glancing at Lexa, “help me?” 

Lexa moved the fur away, trying to figure out how to move the blond without causing more harm. “Can I..?” Lexa trailed off, trying to indicate her intentions, but struggled to find the right words to explain what she wanted to do. She settled on alternating a glance at Clarke’s eyes and her pants, hoping that conveyed the intention. Clarke cocked her head slightly before nodding, and watched as Lexa untied the pants, trying to hide the tremor in her hands as best as she could while she slowly pulled the pants down. She helped Clarke lift her shirt over her head, leaving them both in tank tops and underwear.

Clarke tried to sit up on her own, but the pull against her ribs immediately caused her to double over in pain. Without a second thought, Lexa reached out and wrapped her arms around the blond. She tested Clarke’s weight and frowned to herself before picking her up. She’s lost so much weight, she thought as she lifted her off the ground and quickly made her way into the pool. She felt the warm water wrap around her body as she sunk down, laying Clarke’s back against her body. 

She could feel the tension in the sky girl’s form, despite the comforting feeling of the water. “Relax, Klark,” she whispered into her ear, pulling her down into the water gently. “Trust me,” she murmured as she felt Clarke sink into her.

“This water,” Clarke husked out after a moment, her head lolling softly against Lexa’s shoulder, “feels amazing.” 

Lexa hummed her approval and reached over the edge to grab one of the bottles, pouring some of its content into her hand. Carefully, she began scrubbing it into Clarke’s hair. She let her fingers run through her scalp and Clarke moaned a soft approval, sinking deeper into Lexa’s body. Lexa poured a small amount onto her own hair, and quickly massaged it through her own scalp and rinsed, relishing the feeling of cleanliness. In Polis, she was used to daily baths, but that was a luxury that was harder to get outside the gates of the big city.

Putting the bottle back, Lexa shifted Clarke slightly to rinse her hair, washing out the oil and dirt from the blond locks. She couldn’t help but inhale the soft scent of citrus and mint that emanated each time Clarke shifted her head. The scent seemed to compound Clarke’s natural aroma, making Lexa want to press herself against the blond’s soft frame even more.

“Is this ok?” Lexa whispered as she opened her legs and let Clarke slide off her lap and onto the stone.

Clarke nodded, trying to sit up fully, before gasping and letting her body fall back against Lexa. “It hurts,” she explained. 

“Just lean against me and let your body float in the water.” Lexa reached for the bag with the soap stone inside it, careful not to jostle Clarke around as she stretched out of the water. Even so, she still heard a soft moan as Clarke’s sore body shifted. 

She adjusted Clarke, pressing her against her chest in order to make sure she didn’t get cold by floating to the surface. She lathered up the soap and slowly rubbed it against Clarke’s arm, letting her get used to the feeling of the soap on her skin. Lifting Clarke slightly, she moved her hair out of the way, and rubbed the soap onto her neck and ears. How come her skin is still so soft? she mused as she lathered up the soap in her hand before reclining the blond’s head back. She gently scrubbed the blond’s face, hearing a soft sigh of contentment, before using the soap stone to quickly scrub her own face and neck. 

She shifted her focus back to Clarke. Taking her time, she moved the soap against Clarke’s other arm, careful to avoid pressing against the healing gash, letting the blond relax. Slowly, she let her hand move down, gliding against the outside of Clarke’s thigh. She felt the blond tense at the movement. “Should I stop?” Lexa asked quietly, afraid of scaring her. 

Clarke shook her head slightly, turning to face Lexa as best as she could. “It feels nice,” she breathed out. Lexa nodded, continuing to move her hand against the blond’s thigh, reaching as far as she could on the outside of her leg before switching to the other. Out of respect, she avoided her center entirely, leaving a wide space as she cleaned the blond. Reflexively, she closed her eyes when she felt Clarke’s hands rest against her own thighs, drawing soft circles with her thumbs. She tried to focus on keeping her breathing even, despite the tingling sensation that Clarke’s hand was sending through her entire body with every swipe of her thumb. 

Focus on the task at hand, she chastised herself as she realized she had thoroughly cleaned every inch of Clarke’s exposed flesh. She lifted Clarke’s shirt slowly, testing the blond’s tolerance for letting her clean the rest of her body. She let her hand slide against the taut muscles that reflexively flexed as she slipped her fingers across them hardly remembering the soapstone she was holding. She was careful to avoid pressing against the healing wounds that Nyko had closed, gliding gently around the spot where a scar was forming. 

As she moved the soap across her abdomen, she felt Clarke arch slightly into her touch as she guided her hand higher, moving the shirt up to get better access and maintaining as soft of a caress as she could against her sore ribs. A gentle murmur of satisfaction reached her ears as Clarke arched her head back again, resting it fully against Lexa’s shoulder. Fuck, she thought to herself as her eyes rolled back instinctively at the blond’s action, this is not the time or place, she chastised herself, trying to keep herself focused on keeping things professional. 

Lexa slowly let the soap glide across Clarke’s stomach with her left hand, while her right hand followed its path in spite of herself, enjoying the free touch of skin. She inched further and further up the blond’s body, her heart racing faster at every inch of flesh she was granted access to. 

She could feel Clarke’s chest rise and fall as she turned her head back towards Lexa, her nose softly touching her cheek as Clarke’s pants hit her skin. Lexa tried to ignore the pooling heat at the apex of her thighs, the way her skin reacted to Clarke’s gentle touch. She tried to ignore the need to turn her head slightly and meet Clarke’s panting mouth with her own. She tried to focus on her task.

But she couldn’t ignore the heat in her core. She couldn’t ignore the way her heart bounded blood across her body, the sound of it reverberating in her ears so loud that she was certain Clarke could hear every drop of blood as it screamed through her veins. She couldn’t ignore the dizzying effect of having Clarke in her arms. 

Lexa’s fingers continued to glide across Clarke’s body and she moaned softly, squeezing Lexa’s thighs when she stopped moving at the base of her breast.

Lexa stilled, unsure of what to do. 

She realized she was panting too and opened her eyes. She glanced at Clarke, whose brows were knit in frustration at her stilled hand. Her eyes fell on the blond’s parted lips and the deep red blush spread across her cheeks. She wanted desperately to kiss her, to taste her, but something in the back of her mind nudged the thought away, warning her. Clarke hummed lightly her approval as Lexa’s hand picked up its movement, gliding down her stomach before coming back up, as if attempting to clean every possible inch of the flat expanse. She stopped just above the fabric of her underwear. I should stop, she thought as she watched Clarke’s relaxed face. I don’t want to, her brain reminded her, nudging the guilt away. She kept her eyes trained on Clarke’s face as she slipped the stone higher and higher moving her hand slowly towards the inside of her thigh in small circular movements with one hand, the pretext of cleaning the part of the thigh she had previously ignored urging her forward, while her other hand continued to glide across her stomach. 

I need to make baths a daily occurrence, Lexa mused, biting her lip slightly at the thought. She glanced at the blond again, her brow furrowing at how flushed she looked. Something’s not right, she thought, adjusting her slightly. “Klark?” she half whispered into the silent cavern. Clarke only raised her eyebrows in response, her eyes closed. “How are you feeling?”

The blond nodded slightly, slurring her answer. “Reeaally good…”

Lexa felt a twinge of panic at the drastic change in the blond. There is no way this is all Klark, she thought, her hand stopping its movement, it must be the tea.

Clarke suddenly pushed her hips back against her, driving Lexa’s hand against the inside of her thigh. Lexa bit her lip and threw her head back, forcing herself to swallow a moan at the feel of Clarke pressing against her own core. She panted slightly, realizing she had dropped the stone, and pushed Clarke lightly off her. 

What am I doing? Lexa widened her eyes at the sudden realization of her own movements. A deep red blush worked its way across her cheeks, the sudden need to put distance between them forcing her into action. “Klark,” she husked, her voice thick with unanswered need, “I need to grab the soap.” 

Slightly grunting her displeasure, Clarke reached up slowly, letting go of Lexa’s thighs as she took hold of the pool edge, her body in suspended animation as she let the water keep her afloat. Lexa grabbed at fresh soap stone from the bag and placed it in Clarke’s other hand, making sure it was firmly in her grasp before diving down to find the dropped bar. 

She kept her eyes closed while she was running her hands against the rough bottom of the pool. Gods, what am I doing? she thought in a panic. She allowed herself to sink fully into the water, trying to clear the lusty haze from her brain. The pool was deeper the further from the edge she moved, but after a few moments of blind search, she was able to locate the soap and popped back up, her lungs demanding air. 

Clarke had maneuvered around, finally figuring out how to use the water to float and not pull against her ribs. She was rubbing the bar between her hands, her cheeks blushed and pupils fully dilated as she watched Lexa move forward. “I need to clean the rest of my body,” she said softly, glancing away. 

Lexa nodded, turning to face the opposite wall to lift her own shirt, that she tossed over the water’s edge. She ran the soap across her body, feeling refreshed as it cleaned what seemed like weeks of dirt and grime off her skin. The warm water and air were soothing and she let herself sink down after she finished washing, too embarrassed to face Clarke just yet. 

Clarke broke the silence. “I can’t reach.” Lexa turned quickly to find her hunched over, frustrated tears threatening to fall at her inability to move her body like she wanted to. Lexa swam over, lifting Clarke’s foot slowly, careful to avoid causing the blond any pain as she floated on her back. 

“Let me,” she offered soothingly, letting the soap gently rub against her foot. Clarke nodded gratefully, closing her eyes and wincing in pain. “Does it hurt?” she asked, moving up her thigh. 

Clarke nodded, biting her lip. “A little.” 

Lexa moved to the other foot, resuming her gentle cleaning. She watched Clarke intently, noticing the blond wipe her eyes. “It hurts that bad?” she asked, stopping her movement. 

Clarke shook her head, avoiding Lexa’s gaze. “It’s just…” Clarke sniffled slightly, finding her voice again, “it’s been a really long time since I’ve allowed someone to be gentle with me. I didn’t feel like I deserved it. ”

Lexa couldn’t find the words to respond, her heart breaking at the girl’s admission. The guilt of leaving her at the mountains door flashed hot through her. I made this happen, she thought as she tried to focus on finishing washing Clarke. She cleared her throat, trying to find the right way to apologize, to cut the tension that seemed to have settled between them before moving next to her. 

“Klark.” She tested her voice, wanting it to be gentle instead of the robotic cadence of the Commander. “We do what we have to do in order to survive. It’s not personal…”

Clarke shook her head, cutting Lexa off. “It is to me,” she whispered, turning away. 

“Klark.” Lexa tried to catch her gaze, tried to force her to look at her, but the blond stubbornly refused. Lexa growled as she shifted in front of Clarke, putting her hands on the ledge on either side of the blond, forcing Clarke to look at her. 

“It was not your fault.” She emphasized each word, wanting Clarke to understand, to believe, to let go. 

“What do you care?" Clarke bit back, glaring at her.

Affronted, Lexa leaned back to take Clarke fully in, her wild eyes and flushed face, the hurt and anger etched deep in the furrows of her brow. “Klark, of course I care,” she responded softly, leaning in without thinking. “I know I’m not the person you want me to be…”

Lexa caught Clarke’s dramatic eye roll and just barely heard her response. “You can say that again.”

Ignoring it, she continued. “Klark, I’m so confused when we're together. I feel like…” She looked for the right words to describe everything happening inside her body, put into words the feelings constantly buzzing around her mind. She looked down at the water, inhaling sharply. “I feel like my heart and my mind are at war with each other, because my heart is furious with me for following my head and I'm choking on those emotions.” Lexa wanted to stop talking, to stop laying everything out, but she couldn't. The need to get it out while she could, while she had the strength to bare her heart to Clarke, was too strong. “And I know, I know I'm going to let you down and I can't stomach the thought of it…” 

“Lexa --” Clarke was shaking her head, refusing to look at her. “I...”

“Klark, please!” Panic filled her, and the fear that she would never get to say what she needed to say, that Clarke would cut her off, wrapped itself around her throat and squeezed tight. 

“Lexa, I can’t trust you.” Clarke finished, answering some unasked question that lay between them. "And I don’t want to. Nothing has ever hurt like this before, and I don’t want to hear that maybe we can fix this, or that we can get it right some day. Because we never could, we never will.” 

“We can, I wish you believed we could,” Lexa whispered. She stared at her, numb, unable to speak. I wish I could say what I'm feeling, she thought, I wish I wasn't so scared to let these words out.

“I’d like to head back now,” Clarke demanded. Lexa chewed on the inside of her cheek, wanting to argue, but not finding a single valid reason to. 

She was about to stand up and grab a towel when she realized she had thrown her shirt too far to be able to reach it. She bit her lip slightly, trying to come up with a plan to get her and Clarke out of the water without exposing herself even more than she already had. 

“I won’t look.” Clarke spoke up, her head slightly cocked to the side. Lexa looked her over, impassive, as the blond rolled her eyes. “It’s clear I can’t get out of here alone. It doesn’t take a mind reader to know what you’re thinking,” she added. 

Lexa blushed lightly. “Close your eyes,” she commanded, coming around to Clarke’s other side, placing her arms around Clarke’s body and picking her up and out of the water. Her bare chest was resting against Clarke’s arm, and despite everything she couldn’t help the way her skin reacted when it came in contact with Clarke. She felt a blush spread across her chest and crawl up her throat as she tried to avoid looking into the sky girl’s blue eyes, which were watching her curiously. She put Clarke down on the furs, turning quickly to grab a towel and wrapped it around her body. “Let’s get you dry, and back to bed quickly.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for missing last week! 
> 
> Life became a little overwhelming and I honestly couldn't keep up, which meant that some things fell through the cracks. Writing is a primary outlet for me, so having to put it aside for a bit has been the worst! 
> 
> Thank you for your patience and for continuing this journey with me! 
> 
> As an aside, the "M" rating will fall in to place starting next chapter, just a fair warning if that is not your thing! 
> 
> XO

Lexa was exhausted. Weary down to her bones exhausted. She had managed to make her way to Polis, attempting to concentrate on her duties. She had spent less than two days there before giving in to the demand of her heart -- her mind wouldn’t let her concentrate on anything but Clarke. After they returned from the hot springs, Nyko had been waiting for them, and immediately taken Clarke back under his care in his home, the better to watch over her. Lexa had begrudgingly stayed away, wanting more than anything to be at Clarke’s side once again. Her role as Heda demanded more from her, it would not afford her the luxury of doing so. 

She wondered how she was. Was she healing well? Had her fever finally disappeared? Could she finally sit and stand on her own? Did she think about what had happened at the hot springs as much as Lexa did? It felt like a dream, one that had burned its way into the very pads of her fingertips. She had ridden all night to return to TonDC, using the approaching Azgeda army as a reason. She needed to be close, in case a village was attacked, or at least she told herself so. 

She actively avoided entering Nyko’s home until the next morning, when he stopped her at the entrance and updated her on Clarke’s progress. She frowned as Nyko suggested she give Clarke a little more time to heal before bombarding her with questions. She spent the rest of the day giving orders and directing messages to her generals in preparation for a possible confrontation. Now, in the middle of the night, the pull to see the blond was strong enough to keep her up. 

“Hey,” Clarke said softly from the entrance of her tent.

Lexa’s eyes shot up up from the table and scanned the blond carefully, certain that the sleep deprivation was causing her to hallucinate She had spent the last few hours hunched over maps of different sectors of Trikru land, trying to figure out where Azgeda might pop up next. The last update she had received from Nyko was that Clarke was sitting up on her own, anxious to leave his tent. Standing, Lexa rubbed her eyes to try and lubricate them, blinked through the slight burn of moisture and cracked her back, stretching lightly. She was certain that the hallucination was in fact real now. 

“Klark,” her voice rasped slightly, “I see you are feeling better. What brings you here so late?” She tried to hide the surprise from her voice at Clarke’s sudden appearance in her tent. 

Clarke didn’t respond. She took a few more tentative steps inside and averted her gaze, her eyes darting around the room as if she was looking for something. “I couldn’t sleep,” Clarke husked out after a moment of silence. She eyed her warily, hesitating for a moment before continuing, “I saw your light on. I thought you might like some company?”

Lexa searched for some sort of response, afraid that if she didn’t say the right thing it would be enough to send Clarke running out of her tent. Knitting her brows slightly, she merely nodded at the blond. Please stay forever, her heart begged. She felt encouraged by her presence, but knew better than to get her hopes up, not after leaving her at the mountain.

Clarke approached slowly, keeping the table between them as she haphazardly picked up some parchment and stared at the map. Lexa watched her for a moment, appraising how well she was healing before resuming her own comparison of the maps. 

“I’ve seen this place,” Clarke said suddenly, glancing up at Lexa from the map . 

Lexa’s eyebrows raised slightly. “I don’t doubt it,” she responded before glancing at the paper in Clarke’s hand. She studied it for a moment, trying to read the map upside down, “I had received reports of sightings of you in this region,” she added, pointing to a crudely drawn area. Nearly in every region, Lexa thought, remembering the desperate search to find Wanheda and keep her safe.

Clarke squinted, staring hard at the area Lexa pointed at. “That’s not right,” she said softly, placing the parchment down. “This whole area is off.”

“I’m sorry?” Lexa tilted her head slightly, confused. 

“Who drew this?” Clarke continued undeterred. 

Lexa stared blankly at her. She had no answer. “I’m not sure…” she replied slowly, searching her mind for some name or face to provide Clarke with. “Scouts from Polis supply these for me.” 

Clarke scowled at the response. “Have they even been to this area?” 

Lexa could only shake her head and shrug lightly, a slight blush rising on her cheeks. She suddenly realized she had no idea who the map makers were, or if they had ever even left Polis to collect information. She stared blankly at the maps laid out on the table and wondered if they were all made based on word of mouth instead of actually going to each location. What was it about Clarke that had her constantly second-guessing herself?

Clarke huffed slightly as she slowly reached across the table, taking care of not overstretching her sore body, and grabbed a charcoal pencil. Lexa watched in amusement as the blond started reshaping the landscape on the map, redrawing lines and shading in new information with deep focus. 

They worked in a comfortable silence for a while. Lexa felt her eyes drift from the parchment in her hands for the millionth time. She had given up all pretense of actually studying the material on it and found herself fighting the urge to stare. She couldn’t stop her eyes from constantly glancing at the blond while she painstakingly edited map after map. She couldn’t help but be mesmerized by the look of intense concentration on her face. 

Clarke’s entire body language had changed dramatically from when she had first stepped into her tent. Her shoulders no longer held the same tension and her hands weren’t balled into fists. Instead, her shoulders were relaxed, her fingers covered in dark charcoal dust and her mouth twitched slightly whenever she was pleased with the way the map was coming together. Conversely, she would scrunch her nose a little and huff lightly whenever she made a mistake and had to rub out the mark. Lexa’s eyes wandered down from her face, to the steady rise and fall of her chest, suddenly remembering the way her skin felt under her fingers. She bit her lip as her fingers twitched slightly at the memory of Clarke arching her back to meet her touch. 

“It’s rude to stare,” Clarke said suddenly, not glancing up from her work. 

Lexa felt an intense blush spread across her face and her eyes darted back to the paper in her hands. She clenched her mouth shut, fighting the urge to grimace at being caught, and cleared her throat slightly while she searched her mind for something to say. She chanced a glance at Clarke, who had a trace of a smile on her lips now. 

Embarrassed, Lexa dropped the paper and turned away to grab a drink. “Thirsty?” she asked softly, trying to divert attention away. 

Clarke nodded from where she sat, not glancing up from her work. She poured another glass before placing the kettle on top of the fire, and slowly made her way around the table, enjoying another chance to fully take Clarke in. Placing the cup down next to Clarke, she used the excuse to be closer to the blond, leaned over and watched as she smudged some details into a waterfall she was drawing. Lexa’s eyes absorbed her working, leaning against the table for a few moments before Clarke finally glanced up. 

“It’s beautiful,” Lexa said softly, gently pulling the drawing away to study it better. She had no idea when Clarke had stopped cleaning up the maps and started drawing a waterfall landscape. 

“It was one of my favorite places,” Clarke responded, matching her tone. She took the cup and drank it entirely. 

“I can only imagine.” Lexa offered back the paper with a small smile, holding Clarke’s gaze for a bit too long. Forcing herself to look away, she turned and walked back around the table, busying her hands with cleaning up and organizing the mess they had made. 

Clarke stood and made her way towards her kettle, pouring herself another cup of hot water, then grabbing the box of herbs Nyko had given her. Lexa glanced up as Clarke ground some, dropping it into her water. “I’m glad you’re still taking the herbs,” she offered.

“I guess you get kind of get used to the taste,” Clarke quipped, drinking fully from her cup with a smirk on her face. After a few moments she added, “I’m getting kind of tired.” She slowly stretched her arms above her head and tried to stifle a yawn. 

Lexa watched the action with narrowed eyes before glancing at the entrance of her tent. How long have we been working? she wondered, trying to gauge how much time they had until the sun rose. “You should get some rest,” she offered back, not sure of the correct response she should give her. “Is..” She frowned, the question coming out before she had fully formed it in her mind. “Are you comfortable with Nyko?” The sour taste of disappointment filled her at the thought of Clarke leaving, but she was afraid to push her into staying, wanting to give her the freedom to choose.. 

“Do you mind…” Clarke paused, shifting her gaze around the room before landing on Lexa’s bed, “ Would it be OK if I slept here?”

Lexa froze at the question and brought her eyes to the bed, staring at it as if she had just realized that it existed. Drawing her eyes slowly to Clarke, who fidgeted a little under the new attention, she nodded slowly. 

“Thanks,” Clarke breathed out, preparing herself another cup before walking to the bed. Lexa turned her back to Clarke, her ears straining to imagine her movements as she tried her best to remain composed. “You’re all out of herbal stuff,” Clarke said, breaking the silence and causing Lexa to turn around. 

Lexa narrowed her eyes as she watched Clarke drink deeply from her cup again. “Klark, what are you drinking?” she asked, her heart quickening as she watched the blond take another deep sip. 

“Ass drink?” Clarke giggled to herself, “I figured I would just double the dosage so I can get a full night’s sleep for once.” 

Lexa’s eyes widened at the confession. “You took double?” 

Clarke shrugged, making her way to the bed. “I took all that was left. How much did you have in the box?” 

Lexa tried to remember how much she had left: two, maybe three doses? She wasn’t sure how much Clarke could have taken. Part of her wanted to go check with Nyko, to make sure that Clarke hadn’t accidentally poisoned herself. But a small huff of frustration from Clarke pulled her from her thoughts. 

She tried not to watch while Clarke was taking off her boots and placing them at the foot of the bed. Tried to avert her gaze as Clarke pulled down her pants and laid them folded on a chest at the end of the bed, then climbed under the fur pelts. She tried not to stare as Clarke lifted her shirt over her head, wincing slightly at the pull of her healing rib, and dragged her blond hair through. Clarke burrowed into the fur before turning on her side, her back to Lexa who had all but stopped breathing as she watched the blond settle in. 

Lexa stared blankly at the bundle in her bed. She was fairly certain she was drooling, but found herself unable to turn away. The image of Clarke’s bare legs burned into her mind. She glanced at the discarded shirt and licked her lips at the realization that Clarke was in nothing but a tank top and underwear in her bed. She’s in my bed. The thought kept replaying itself over and over again in her mind, short circuiting any other possible thought. After a moment, she broke her gaze and realized she was gripping a parchment tightly. She inhaled sharply and unfurled the wrinkled parchment, laying it out amongst the other pieces that Clarke had updated. 

“You didn’t come to visit me,” Clarke said quietly after a few moments. 

Lexa glanced up, cocking her head. “I had to return to Polis,” she explained, putting the charcoal down. She stared at Clarke’s form buried beneath fur. 

“When you came back,” Clarke turned, staring at the ceiling and pulling the fur down slightly, “you didn’t come to see me.” 

Lexa chewed on the inside of her cheek. “Nyko thought it would be better for you to rest.” It was a poor excuse, she knew that. As Heda she could have demanded to see the sky girl, walked right past Nyko. Part of her wanted to, but part of her didn’t know what she would do once she was face to face with the blond again. 

“I just thought… ” Clarke trailed off, turning to face Lexa. “After you returned from Polis…” She watched the blond bite her lip while she processed her thoughts. “You would come?” 

Lexa stared impassively at Clarke, her mind reeling at the memory of Clarke under her fingers, on top of her body. “I came back?” she offered as a weak explanation. She faltered under Clarke’s gaze, suddenly unsure of how to act, where to place her hands. She felt bare as the blond’s eyes swept her body from head to toe. “As soon as I could,” she added flatly, resisting the urge to shrug her shoulders. “I need you to heal as quickly as possible, Klark.”

“For the alliance”, Clarke finished the thought for her, and Lexa couldn’t help but grimace slightly. That wasn't why, she knew that, but she couldn’t tell the sky girl. “Have you slept,” Clarke asked, her gaze not wavering even as she wrinkled her nose, “since you left?”

Lexa shook her head, finding no plausible excuse to lie. “No less than usual.”

Clarke pulled the cover down again. “Of course not. You haven’t been taking care of yourself, it’s written all over you face.” Lexa blushed lightly. A weary tug pulled at her, proving Clarke’s words true. “Come lay down with me.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of notes:
> 
> This is actually two chapters combined, which means I will probably skip posting next week; but I just couldn't leave you nerds hanging again. I hope you don't mind!
> 
> This is very much not PG-13, so if you're not into reading that, I added a horizontal line to let you know when you should stop reading. 
> 
> As I'm sure you noticed, I don't shy away from the angsty anger bits of what their relationship is like, this is no different. So a trigger warning for consensual but aggressive sex is needed for this chapter. 
> 
> Next chapter will follow the M rating as well. (At what point is M really an E?)
> 
> Let me know your thoughts on this chapter, I am super curious to know what you think! 
> 
> XO

Lexa didn't move, couldn’t move. She stared at the empty space next to Clarke. The fur pulled down was promising a warm bed and the possibility of an enticing sleep. But she couldn’t get her brain and feet to coordinate enough to move forward. She just stood there, staring back at Clarke with wide eyes and gripping the table for support.

“Now.” Clarke ordered, her blue eyes fierce with determination. 

Lexa inhaled slowly, and felt her body move more than she directed it willingly toward the bed.

Her usual grace became an awkward stumble as she neared the bed, struggling to kick her boots off before debating what else she should remove. Deciding that it was best to stay as fully clothed as possible, she lifted her leg to enter the bed when Clarke’s hand popped up. “ Pants. Off.” she demanded, turning her back to Lexa.

Lexa stared down at her pants as if seeing them for the first time. _Ok,_ she thought, _don’t make this weirder yet._ Unbuttoning them quickly, she fought with them, suddenly finding them too tight to take off, then quickly jumped in bed and immediately pulled the covers all the way up to cover her body. She lay on her back, arms folded on her stomach, stiff like a board.

Clarke’s back was to her, and she couldn’t tell if she was asleep already. She lay there, eyes wide open, trying to calm her body down enough to relax, but she could feel the heat radiate off of Clarke’s body and it was distracting. 

She felt Clarke’s muscles tense and Lexa reflectively closed her eyes as she felt her shift and turn. She could feel her eyes on her and fought the urge to meet her gaze. “I know you’re not sleeping.” Clarke’s husky voice forced her eyes open and she turned slowly to look at her. She was surprised by how close the blond was to her.

“I thought you were tired?” Lexa asked quietly, forcing her eyes to not roam anywhere.

Clarke pulled the fur pelt off of her, leaving it by her waist before doing the same to Lexa’s, “It’s hot,” she explained. Lexa merely raised an eyebrow in response. “I’ve spent a lot of time in bed this past week. As tired as I might be, my body is restless.”

“It seems that all that time has been good for you. Nyko has you moving around much sooner than I expected.” Lexa’s eyes flashed down the exposed length of Clarke’s body, relishing the sight of cream-colored skin.

Clarke nodded absentmindedly.  She reached out, grabbing Lexa’s hand from her stomach and petting it with her thumb. “He’s a good healer, don’t you think?” she asked. Lexa could only nod her agreement, her eyes focused on the way Clarke’s hand had shifted, her fingers dragging across her palm in a smooth continuous motion. “Of course, he could be a better healer,” the blond added, eyes shifting up to the ceiling as Lexa turned her body to match Clarke’s pose. “For instance, it would be good for him to learn the proper names of the bones, instead of making things up.”

“Mmhmm, bones,” Lexa agreed absentmindedly as Clarke’s fingers moved to her wrist, her palm laying flat against her own. Suddenly, what Clarke was saying clicked. “Bones have names?”

Clarke rolled her eyes, a smirk tugging at the corners of her mouth. “Of course bones have names! How else would you identify them? These,” Clarke glided her fingers from Lexa’s wrist to the tips of her fingers, causing a small shiver to trace its way across her arm and down the length of her body, “are called phalanges.”  

Glancing up from her hand, Lexa narrowed her eyes at Clarke, “fil-what?”

“Phalanges,” Clarke rectified, gently pulling against Lexa’s fingers. “To be more specific, this is your distal phalange, your intermediate, and your proximal phalanges, which attach to your metacarpals.” Clarke's delicate fingers moved down the length of hers before resting against her palm, stroking it gently.

Lexa’s breath caught in her throat as she watched the movement. “You’re making that up. That’s a strange name for fingers,” she countered, testing if Clarke was playing a joke on her.

“It’s true,” Clarke responded with a firm nod, shifting slightly closer. “These,” she glided her hand up from Lexa’s wrist to her forearm, “are two bones, the radius and ulna.” Clarke’s fingers continued up to her elbow. “Which are connected to your upper arm through your cubital fossa, to your humerus.”

“Huh…” Lexa swallowed thickly as Clarke’s fingers stroke up to her shoulder and back down the length of her arm to her fingers, “That’s…interesting. What else?” she asked, not wanting Clarke to stop touching her.

Clarke smiled at the question, deep blue eyes peering into blown green irises.  “The longest bone in your body is your femur.” Suddenly she grabbed Lexa’s knee and dragged her leg over the top of her hip, forcing Lexa closer.

Lexa couldn’t hold back her gasp at the sudden movement. She found herself staring at blue challenging eyes, unable to turn away from the gentle glide of Clarke’s hand from the top of her thigh to her knee. She was painfully aware of the growing throbbing at her core as Clarke slid her own thigh towards her center, adjusting her hold on Lexa’s leg.

“Like your elbow, your femur is connecting to your calf by a bone called the patella.” Clarke’s hand glided to her knee, stroking it gently as she slid the rest of the length down. “This is called your tibia and fibula,” she whispered, pulling Lexa closer to her. “There are two bones just like these in your forearm.”

Lexa couldn’t move. Her mouth was dry and she was certain that if Clarke shifted her leg even the slightest bit, she would feel just how painfully aroused she was. She knew Clarke was carefully studying her, staring at her face, looking for some kind of reaction. The best Lexa could come up with was a small nod and a weak smile as Clarke’s fingers glided up from her calf to her thigh.

“Are you OK?” Clarke asked softly, her hands stilling as she searched Lexa’s face.

Lexa nodded, her brow furrowed at the stilled action. “Bones are interesting,” she husked out, her voice at a dangerously low octave.

Clarke smiled and her hand returned to gliding along the length of her thigh. “Science is quite interesting, Lexa,” she  corrected her. “Would you like to know what your femur connects to?”

Lexa wasn't sure if she wanted to know, if she could stand another moment of this, if she could keep her cool with Clarke’s hands running hot against her body, with the blond whispering at such a low octave. Betraying her, her head nodded, coaxing Clarke to continue spouting random words that did not make the faintest bit of sense, not that it mattered to Lexa. She would worship whatever this science was called if it meant more of Clarke’s hands on her body.

Gliding across the underside of her thigh, Clarke slowly made her way to the edge of Lexa’s shorts. She slid a finger under the band as her hand came across the top of the thigh, before suddenly grabbing Lexa’s ass and squeezing the perfectly perk cheeks. “It leads to your illium,” Clarke whispered.

Lexa bit back a moan as her eyes involuntarily rolled back at Clarke’s motion.

“Which leads to your back. Did you know it’s not one solid bone?” Clarke continued, as if Lexa’s breathing was not betraying her. 

Lexa shook her head weakly, not trusting herself to speak as Clarke’s fingers trailed up her waist, under her shirt to her back. Her breath was coming out in short pants and she struggled to open her eyes at the feeling of Clarke, who seemed to somehow be moving closer and closer to her.

“It’s actually a column of 33 vertebrae.” Clarke’s hand glided up towards her shoulder, pulling her shirt up with the movement, before moving slowly down again. Lexa struggled to find a reason to care about the exposure, but found herself melting into the blond’s touch instead. “24 presacral, 5 sacrum, and 4 coccyx.” Clarke’s breath whispered against Lexa’s face as she inched closer still. Lexa’s wide eyes stared into blown blue irises as the blond continued in a whisper, “It’s also my favorite structure, do you know why?”

Lexa shook her head, her traitorous body leaning into Clarke, quaking at her touch. She hoped that Clarke was not noticing the shallowness in her breath, the exertion to stay away causing her muscles to strain slightly under the blond’s touch. Clarke was a flame, white hot and constantly burning bright, drawing her in no matter how much she fought. And right now, she didn't want to fight, wanted to give in to Clarke’s draw, feel the flame burn the edges of her wings, her sanity, and fall precipitously into blue pools.

“I mean…Most people would say it’s because it supports the body.” Clarke’s fingers glided back up to her shoulder, running the length of each of the jutted bones in her spine. “But in reality, it’s because…”  The blond’s fingers slowly scratched down her back, the action releasing a low moan from Lexa as her back arched into Clarke.  “It carries the nerve endings to every part of the body.”

Lexa’s head was spinning. She could feel the blond pressed against her, and her tongue snaked out against her bottom lip, trying to bring some semblance of moisture to her dry mouth. “Klark,” she tried weakly, all bite from her voice gone. “We should….” _Should what?  Stop?_ She thought. She didn’t want to stop, but she didn't want to take advantage of Clarke either. “Talk,” she forced out, releasing a breath she didn’t know she was holding. 

“I don’t want to talk,” Clarke countered, running her hand up and down the length of Lexa’s back.

“This isn't you, it’s the herbs…” Lexa struggled to find some semblance of rationality as Clarke’s hand moved from her back to her stomach, her thigh pressing dangerously close to her core. “You need to…”

Clarke’s eyes darkened, “You don't know me, don't pretend you understand what I need. I know what the herbs do.” Clarke grabbed Lexa’s thigh and pulled her closer.

Lexa struggled to understand what Clarke meant. She rolled the words around in her mind as best she could with her body reeling from being so close to the blond. “You what?” she asked thickly.

A broad smile wrapped itself across Clarke’s lips and her eyes fluttered slightly when her nose touched Lexa’s. “Nyko warned me.”

“I don’t understand.” Lexa pulled back a little, shaking her head, and tried to clear her muddled thoughts again. Clarke pressed against her again, and a flood of emotions soared through her body. Behind the overwhelming feelings was the flash of a warning that she was about to lose control. She needed to stop this before it got out of hand and Clarke would regret it. “It doesn’t feel right Clarke, not like this.”

Clarke reared. “Now you get a conscience?” Her voice hitched slightly as she moved to get up, but her movements were too quick and she doubled over the moment her foot hit the floor, grabbing her ribs with a loud groan. 

“Klark!” Lexa leapt to her side, grabbing her to try and support her.

"Don't!" Clarke yelped back, trying to pull out of her grasp, her breathing rough. "I don't _need_ your help.” She glared at Lexa, reclining slightly against the bed. 

Lexa stared hard, confusion swirling through her. “What _do_ you want from me, Klark?”

“Nothing, Lexa,” Clarke seethed. Lexa’s mind caught the slight flinch in her body, the leaning in instead of away that should have matched her tone. As far as she knew, Clarke wanted to move away, but something was keeping her there, engaged. _How much of this anger is real?_ She wondered, watching her.

“Tell me, Klark,” she asked quietly, inching closer, trying to close the distance that tore at her in a way she didn’t quite understand.

“What, Lexa? What do you want me to tell you?” Clarke asked, her voice high with a barely controlled anger. “Tell you that I feel used? Betrayed? How do you think I feel?” Clarke pushed off the bed, and began to pace. “I trusted you!” Lexa stared at her, unable to cut her off or calm her down.  “And the worst part is that even though I hated you, I couldn’t stop thinking about you! I saw you everywhere, heard your voice in everyone! It drove me crazy! ”

“I didn’t use you,” Lexa countered quickly, trying to keep up with Clarke’s stream of consciousness. Her words were cutting her like a knife. “I care about you!”

“Go float yourself! You made me believe in you, trust you! You said ‘we’ and ‘us’ when it was all about you!” Clarke stopped pacing and abruptly stepped into her space. She stared hard at Lexa, keeping her pressed against the bed. “It was always about you and your agenda, that’s all you ever care about!”

“Klark, calm down, let’s talk about this,” Lexa pleaded. Everything was spinning out of control. She felt like she was fighting to hold sand in her hand while water rushed in, washing everything away.

But Clarke didn’t hear her. There was nothing Lexa could do to stop her. “You know what I think? You’re nothing but a coward, running from anything that might make you _feel_ something, blaming it on your duty.” Tears were coming down Clarke’s face, hot and angry.  “And this is what you leave in your wake, me! And I don't want to, but I can’t stop thinking about you. I hate that I want you! That I miss your voice and your touch and the way you look at me.” Clarke’s breath came out halted and jagged but she held Lexa pinned under her intense stare. “I hate that I love you.” The dam broke and whatever had been holding the tide of emotions that Clarke was struggling to keep in disappeared as a desperate sob escaped.  “I hate that you don’t care. You never did!”

Lexa grabbed Clarke’s shoulders, needing to physically stop her from continuing, needing to pull her back into reality. “By the Goddess Klark, how do you not see what you do to me?” The shock of being grabbed startled Clarke enough to snap her out of the emotional rollercoaster she was on. Lexa didn’t wait, couldn’t wait. She needed Clarke to understand, to feel how much she cared for her.

She roughly pulled Clarke against her, slamming their lips together in a rough and fevered kiss. The bruising kiss fanned a flame that spread sharp between the two of them, roaring hot against their bodies, melting their defenses as Lexa pulled Clarke closer to her, hands digging into the back of her neck, refusing to give her space to think, let alone breathe.

Clarke growled low, her fists pushed against Lexa, demanding her to stop. A heartbeat later the same hands were grabbing at Lexa’s shoulders, pulling her rough against her as she returned the kiss with as much hunger as Lexa expressed. The roughness of her pull caused Lexa to slam into her unexpectedly and Clarke groaned at the impact against her ribs. 

The sound was enough to pull Lexa momentarily out of her haze and she pulled back, relinquishing Clarke’s lips to make sure she was ok. She felt the muscles tighten on Clarke’s forearm and found herself reflexively blocking Clarke’s palm before it hit her cheek, leaving both of them stunned.

Lexa stiffened, and stared at Clarke, completely dumbfounded. “Klark…” she winced, not at the paint, but at the sudden violence in the action, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…”

Clarke shook her head, her hands in tight fists at her side, her breath coming in shuddering gasps. Lexa could see the conflict playing itself across the blond’s face, anger, confusion, remorse, fear; and it didn’t matter to Lexa, she would take a thousand hits from Clarke, if it meant that the sky girl would forgive her. She could see Clarke reeling from what she had done, saw her pulling back. The thought of Clarke blaming herself, being angry with herself for what happened, spurred Lexa back into action.

“Don’t,” Lexa husked, pulling her back in, her breath ghosting her lips, “don’t disappear on me.” The demand in her voice pulled at Clarke, her head cocking slightly as the flame inside her appeared to relight and in a heartbeat, Lexa found herself half-seated on the bed as lips hungrily met again.

* * *

 

Clarke’s kiss scorched through her, sent shockwaves of pleasure through her body, the tip of her tongue demanding entrance, which Lexa gave eagerly. Lexa couldn’t help the moan pulled from her mouth by Clarke’s eager tongue. Their kiss was sloppy and fevered, and it made her head spin with desire. She pulled back, the demand for air too strong. Clarke, however, would not give her such a reprieve and quickly pulled her back in, biting against Lexa’s lower lip possessively. Lexa could taste a tingle of metal, Clarke having broken skin with the intensity of her bite.

Lexa’s hands moved roughly on their own accord, running the length of Clarke’s willing body, revelling in the softness of her exposed skin. Clarke pulled back long enough to coax Lexa’s body out of her underwear. She didn’t care where or how it landed because her mouth was already back to Clarke’s lips.

She had never imagined it like this, angry, hurried, rough, demanding. In a better state she would have slowed down, taken her time to revel in every inch of Clarke’s magnificent body, worshipped at the altar of her, drunk in every inch of her she could lay her hands on.

But this was not a better state, and in the lust of the moment, there was no better way to sate their thirst. She kissed Clarke, pulled and sucked at her bottom lip as she bit it back. Her hands cupping Clarke’s head, keeping her steady while her mouth navigated its way across her chin, licking and nipping as she made her way back to Clarke’s pressure point. She bit down and felt the pulse bounding in response. A low needy moan from Clarke told her she wanted it just as aggressively as Lexa was willing to give it.

 She needed this, Clarke needed this.

Clarke dug her hands into Lexa’s hair, pulling roughly at her, fighting her for dominance -- something Lexa was not willing to relinquish at this moment, enjoying far too much the feel of Clarke’s skin under her lips. She growled low in her throat, a warning meant to draw Clarke down, but it only seemed to urge the blond as she pulled Lexa in aggressively, her hungry lips trying to find some part of Lexa to connect with.

Clarke drove her hand down in between Lexa’s thighs, the tight heat coiled low in her had sprung free and settled between her legs, leaving her dripping and wanting. She felt Clarke pull her in as she searched for her center. “Fuck, Klark,” she groaned as she felt her wetness coating her thighs. Her hips bucked slightly from the need to press against Clarke, and she found herself biting her lip to stop herself from begging for some type of released.

Clarke hesitated, tension tightening in her shoulders and Lexa was suddenly unsure if Clarke was waiting for permission or if they had moved far beyond that. “Clarke,” Lexa breathed, “don’t stop!” She reached for Clarke’s hand, intent on coaxing her to continue, demanding attention, release.

Clarke tightened her hold on Lexa’s hair, forcing her to bare her neck, and she could do nothing but swallow roughly at the action. “Say it,” she demanded.

Lexa’s mind whirled. “What?” She barely breathed out, willing to say or do just about anything in this moment for Clarke. She leaned back as best as she could, looking at Clarke, taking her in, her wild desperate eyes full of hurt, and it clicked. Lexa understood what the blond needed to hear, needed to feel from her. “I won’t ever abandon you again, Klark.” She felt the hold on her hair relaxing slightly, Clarke’s breathing slowing down as she listened to her words. “I’ll protect your clan, your people as one of my own,” she offered, watching Clarke shake her head ruefully, “I’ll take care of you…”

Clarke chuckled darkly. “Ever the politician, aren’t you?” Lexa tried to shake her head, not understanding what she meant. “I’m not talking about the clan, yours or mine, Lexa. I want to  hear you say it.”

“What, Klark? What do you want from me?” Lexa asked, nearly begging for understanding.

“Say you’re mine.” Clarke breathed out, her lips gently gliding along her neck up to her chin. A reflexive shudder worked its way down Lexa’s spine at the delicate action. “Say it.”

Lexa shook her head weakly in Clarke’s grasp, her eyes rolling back as the blond’s lips kissed their way to her pressure point before nipping at her ear. Lexa wasn’t sure if she heard or felt the moan that came from Clarke, another shudder from her body as it arched, reaching for the blond, needing to press against her skin.

Clarke pulled back suddenly, staring down at Lexa with a new intensity. “Say it,” she growled, bringing her lips close to Lexa’s, but not allowing them to touch.

“The Commander is claimed by no one.” Lexa could barely whisper the words, breathless at Clarke’s actions and demands.

Clarke slammed her lips into Lexa’s, the kiss fierce and demanding. Lexa saw stars as Clarke pulled away. She couldn’t take in what was happening around her. Her entire body tingled and burned at everything Clarke was doing. “I’m the great Wanheda, and you belong to me now.”

Lexa’s eyes were closed as she tried to process everything. She wanted to refuse, deny Clarke the right to claim her, despite knowing that Clarke had long ago been given ownership of her heart. She shuddered at the feel of Clarke’s breath on her lips. “I’m yours ” she breathed out.

Clarke responded by kissing her slowly. Lexa’s brain short-circuited slightly at the feel of Clarke’s hand closing the distance to her core. “You are mine, Lexa,” she whispered, her finger focusing its attention on sliding through Lexa’s wet folds. Lexa relished the hitch in Clarke’s breathing at the sensation, before her own breath stopped when Clarked pushed two fingers inside, hard and fast. She rewarded Clarke with a howl and her head lobbed back, panting. Clarke pulled her hair, forcing her head back, licking and nipping at her exposed neck, moving towards her ear while her fingers began a slow torturous pace. Lexa was held in place by Clarke, she could feel herself accommodating her fingers, opening herself wider, giving Clarke room in between her legs. “Show me how much you’re mine, Commander,” Clarke whispered low, biting at her earlobe.

“Harder,” Lexa demanded, her mouth finding Clarke’s neck, and the sensation caused Clarke’s eyes to roll back, her hand stuttering slightly at the unexpectedness of Lexa’s lips. Lexa felt Clarke’s fingers pull out as she adjusted them slightly to get a better angle before slamming them into her again. She released a needy moan as Clarke repeated the action. She could hear Clarke grunt with each slam of her hand.

“Klark!” Lexa cried out, her hands gripping tightly Clarke’s shirt, pulling her in against her body, and Clarke growled at the word, searching desperately for Lexa’s lips. She struggled for more control, and for a brief moment Clarke appeared to consider relenting as Lexa’s hips were grinding against her, wanting to drive the pace of the blond’s hand. The moment passed as Clarke took control again with another moan pulled from her lips. Lexa didn’t want to give control, but she didn't want to stop being filled by her, tasting the sweat on her skin, pulling the anger out of Clarke with each powerful stroke of the blonds fingers.

“Lexa,” Clarke breathed out, a mixture of ecstasy and pain in her words. Lexa wrapped her legs around Clarke’s waist, her hands finding their way under her tank top, and Clarke was unable to stop the arch of her back as Lexa clawed at her back. Clarke growled a warning, her teeth clamping down on Lexa’s neck before she licked and soothed the hot skin, forcing her to lean back again and give her access.

Clarke twisted her hand, arching to reach Lexa’s clit, her thumb brushing it haphazardly with each thrust. It felt sloppy, but Lexa responded just the same, moaning her approval into Clarke’s ear as she thrusted back.

She wanted to beg her not to stop, to tell her that she couldn’t stop. Not as long as the sky girl was pulling at her, fighting for any purchase of skin to hold on to. Not as long as she was whimpering her name, begging for her to touch, to feel, to fuck her.

Clarke’s lips hovered just over Lexa’s and she could hear and feel her panting moans and the hitching of her breath as Clarke slowed down her pace, her fingers driving in deeper, curling into the spot that forced Lexa to roll her eyes back and nearly had her holding her breath. Clarke kissed her, her tongue tracing her lips before Lexa granted her access, moaning at the touch of their tongues. Clarke moved her thumb, keeping a circular pressure on her clit as her fingers curved deeper in her.

Lexa moaned as she felt herself tighten around Clarke, knowing she was close. She breathed out a whimpered, “Oh Goddess,” pulling back slightly, needing to see Clarke, not wanting to come undone just yet.

“Look at me,” she ordered, pulling the blond’s head up as Clarke adjusted her fingers inside her. Clarke leaned down to give herself a better angle. Panting, she opened her eyes and met Clarke's gaze. Her lips were swollen and raw, her blue eyes clouded despite the anger having melted away into something different, and it caught in Lexa’s throat. Lexa leaned in, pushing the sky girl’s fingers hard and deep inside her, and felt her entire body respond to the action, her eyes clamped shut by the ferocity of the moment, her muscles tightening and spasming at the blond’s actions. She groaned Clarke’s name, her fingers tightening and tearing at her shirt. She could come undone at Clarke’s hand, her lips. She could finally allow herself to do so.

“I love you,” Lexa whispered, unable to hold it back any longer.

As if she had been waiting for it to let go, Lexa stopped teetering on the precipice of release and came hard. Her moan turned into a roar as she clenched hard around Clarke’s fingers. Clarke refused to stop, watching in awe as Lexa let herself came undone, her body tensed and shaking with the power of the action, her head rearing back and her body arching as she held on for another tense moment before going limp.

She felt the feather touches of Clarke’s lips as they roamed haphazardly over her face, kissing gently her cheek, her eye, her brow, her nose, before landing on her lips. She allowed herself to relish the warm and languid response from the sky girl. Slowly, Clarke pulled her fingers out, drawing a sharp gasp from Lexa.

Lexa wrapped her hands around Clarke’s waist, holding herself in place as her head lolled forward, resting on Clarke’s chest. She didn’t move, giving herself time to get her bearings together, to catch her breath. A few moments passed before the sky girl shuddered and Lexa realized that she was crying. Without a word, Lexa wrapped her arms tight around the blond, guiding her back into the bed, and pulled her against her body protectively, giving her the permission she needed to let go.


End file.
